Milking Dingdong

I thought this was funny. Gotta laugh when you can, right?

Our daughter was talking to me on the phone one evening (he’s been letting her talk for a few minutes lately. (It’s usually “Love you. Bye, bye.) I think because he needed me to get my taxes done to get his filed, maybe??). My N-ex lives near a dairy farm and he likes to take her over to see the cows being milked, which she enjoys. I asked her what she was doing. They were home. Daddy was pretending to be the cow and she was milking him. “I’m milking Dingdong!” she said. It was hard for me to stifle my giggle. Good thing it was over the phone. 🙂

Life Springs Eternal

I asked our daughter the other day if she remembered our dog “Teddy”. He’s been gone for over 2 years now. (I accidentally hit him with our car and he had to be put down. I was heartbroken, as it was one of our family pets.)

She said “No. I don’t remember him. Why did you run him over with your car?”

I said, “How’d you know about that?”

She said, “Daddy reminds me.”

Beach Runaway Trip?- And Other “Everyday” Worries

Our daughter returned yesterday from her father’s house. She made many interesting comments in the 10-minute car-ride home. First of all, out of the blue, she stated,”Mommy, I don’t think Daddy loves you anymore.” She’s said this before.

I asked her, “Oh. Why do you think that?”

She said, “Because he isn’t very nice to you. He doesn’t think you and Grandma are very nice.”

I said, “Oh, what do you think about that?”

She said, “I think you’re nice.” Then she said, “It’s hard deciding who to live with all the time.”

I said, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Daddy wants me to live with him all the time.” She’s also said that he cries when she leaves, most likely a manipulation. The reason I believe this is a manipulation is this: when I called my friend, who I wasn’t “supposed to” call, he was going to leave me. When he saw that I didn’t care that he left and wasn’t going to try to stop him, he decided to take our daughter, the “thing” I cared most about, with him. It was an afterthought for him, and he probably only thought of it because I had taken her when I left the first time. He used her then to get me back. From that point forward, he’s used her.

According to my daughter, he is telling her that she will be living with him full time in the near future. He says they are going to move to the beach together and she will never see me again. This obviously causes our daughter quite a bit of stress. She’s been having nightmares that she can’t find me. I’ve assured her that this won’t happen but I have also made sure she knows my name, grandparents’ names, where she lives, who to contact for help, and how to use the phone, (even though her father’s is different) if she ever gets separated from either of us. I try to make her feel empowered if something ever DID happen but I don’t want to imply by my actions that it is likely either. The truth is, of course it could happen and I wouldn’t be totally shocked if it did.

When she was talking about it one day, I asked her which beach Daddy was wanting to go to. She didn’t know. When she returned this time, she proudly stated that she’d found out which beach he wanted to move to: Florida. So, at least that may narrow it down a bit if I have to search. She says she tells Daddy that she wants to stay with him all the time, “so his feelings won’t be hurt.” She also tells me that she wants to stay with ME all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t need to pick between us. She can see us BOTH. It’s not a decision she can make anyway, so it will stay the same as it is now. For some reason, she is feeling a lot of pressure to decide who to stay with. It seems as if he is priming her to “want” to be with him, even though in our state, children cannot decide until they are at LEAST 13. She is 4. Why is he doing this? I think he’s trying to justify in his mind kidnapping her (or something anyway), or if nothing else, he’s using her to hurt me by her not wanting to be with me. He’s definitely up to something, as all of you who have N-ex’s know. My best friend has had issues with her husband’s ex. Their lawyer reassured her that the kidnapper would have to have nearly a million dollars cash to be able to pull it off, keeping a child hidden for that long, especially with all the new amber alerts that we now have. That reassures me a little, but when it’s your child, it’s still scary. My ex has always bragged about his military connections and when the child welfare services were called on us in our state, he was planning on going to hide out with family until he could get a military flight out of the country. I discussed that they weren’t going to take her away from me (I hadn’t done anything wrong), and wouldn’t he rather her continue a normal life and he could return to live with us as soon as we got it all straightened out? No. It was clearly about what was best for HIM, that he not be away from her. And, he’s always suspected that I turned him in with child welfare. I didn’t. He was most likely trying to get back at me even then, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

When our daughter was speaking of her trip, I asked her when her daddy plans to leave. She said, “tomorrow.” How does this make me feel as a parent? Pretty terrified, I’m gonna be honest. While I doubt he’ll really do it, it has occurred to me that maybe he’s just saying it to her to try to scare me- mind games- trying to “outlast” me. It frustrates me that there’s nothing I can do to prevent this for our daughter’s sake, I just have to let it all play out before I can do anything. Most likely, he’ll leave on the first day of his visitation and I’ll know nothing for days. Is this all part of his mental manipulation? He threatened before that he could outlast me. He doesn’t know the REAL love of a mother (or father). He only knows his version, a sick and twisted game of manipulation, with the only thing he can use his own daughter! Prayers please!

Family Law Narcissism: Understanding Your Options

family law narcissism 2Family Law Narcissism

The legal divorce process is stressful, even when both parties are logical, but when there’s a personality disorder involved, it can be a nightmare! I lived through it and wouldn’t wish it on anyone! Family Court is geared for “normal” divorces. When a high-conflict divorce comes along, I believe the legal system fails us and sadly, our children suffer the most. When divorcing a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist, divorce can be disaster. Family lawyers who aren’t educated in high-conflict divorce can make the problem worse by not understanding the situation. I felt like my lawyer didn’t believe me, my stories were so ridiculous. By the end, he finally did. Family law court can favor the more aggressive person at times and the innocent party can often “lose” in the area of child custody, a fair divorce settlement, and other areas of divorce. The more you know, the more you can help your lawyer help you.

Most lawyers (at least from my own experience) are not equipped to deal with high-conflict divorce. Since most divorces are “amicable” in comparison, the high-conflict divorce is something a typical lawyer “gets through” but doesn’t excel in. I had a lawyer with a really good reputation for child custody cases. However, he didn’t seem equipped to deal with this mess.

A high-conflict divorce begins when one party wants to “win” at all costs. In these cases, simple divorce mediation is often not possible.  In my case, that high-conflict party was my husband. I was more than willing to be reasonable. I let him live in our marital home while we were separated, even though I could have had him removed. I worked with him on sharing our office space. Before the last straw, he told me that if we get divorced, that he will NOT make it easy. He will fight for and get FULL custody of our daughter (who had always been my responsibility when we were married. He played with her when it suited him). He didn’t CARE what was best for our daughter, only what was best for him. Winning. Hurting me. That was what was best for him. Many of you reading this are likely facing this reality. The narcissist dismisses any of your needs. He/she forgets all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good times. It creates a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce. You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends and children. He/she will steal your money and personal possessions, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community.

Often the party who is willing to negotiate is the party who loses, unfortunately. We settled out of court the DAY OF the trial, minutes before we walked into the courtroom. Actually, our trial was held up as our negotiations were finished up. My family law attorney recommended settling because you never know what the judge will rule. My biggest concern of course, was our daughter’s custody. I finally got my narcissistic ex to agree to him getting 5 days out of 14. In court, we were going to go for 4 days out of 14, but my lawyer didn’t think the judge would go for it. We settled on the property with my ex getting WAY more than he deserved and paying VERY little child support. (He is self-employed and, I believe, may be hiding a lot of cash).

The reasonable spouse often makes excuses for their spouse’s hostile behaviors. We are used to doing this in the marriage to “get along” (translated: get walked all over) and due to this are at a disadvantage when it comes to protecting ourselves legally and emotionally during the divorce. The spouse who is the aggressor will create conflict and the nurturing spouse will respond by attempting to solve problems and get along. The nurturing spouse often fails to realize that the “win at all costs” spouse is not interested in solutions. It is about making you PAY by creating and perpetuating conflict. In the end the nurturing spouse plays a role in the cycle of high conflict by failing to come to this realization. Fortunately for me, I had read enough about this before-hand to know what I was dealing with, and my narcissistic psychopathic ex fit this description to a “t”.

family law narcissismWARNING: There is little someone like this will not do to “win” this battle. My narcissistic ex secretly took our daughter to the doctor trying to “prove” that she got a stopped-up nose when in my care and he “fixed it” on his days. Seems comical but at the same time, sick. In two-year’s time, he still does stuff like this to try and get more custody. He tried just 2 months ago based on the “fact” that he could “devote more time to her care”. Basically, he doesn’t have to work on the 5 days he has her so he should have her more. Never mind the fact that he can only pay $110/mo. in child support. Where is he getting the money to live off of? That issue, so far, hasn’t reappeared since I refused his request. Of course, I’ve had to pay my lawyer another $150/hr. to speak on the phone with me about this and handle it legally.

My advice to anyone who finds themselves in a legal divorce process with someone like this is, be prepared, document EVERYTHING he says/does. Your desire to reach a fair divorce settlement could be a detriment when dealing with a high-conflict person. Be sure and get proper legal counsel if you can, get yourself and your children into therapy and if the struggle becomes too much emotionally, be willing to give up the fight and move on with your life. You can start over. I had very little but had a great support team of family that helped me financially after the ordeal. Your high-conflict ex will not settle for less than way more than he/she deserves. The family court system is set up in favor of in a spouse who is out to win. The Family Court System is about defining a winner and a loser. Never make the mistake of believing that the court will hold an emotionally disturbed spouse accountable. Your best bet is to negotiate through your divorce lawyers, if that doesn’t work walk away and start over.

CHILD CUSTODY: It is my belief that the central focus of divorce attorney s and judges in the family court system should be on children’s rights and protecting the children! Not mother’s or father’s rights. Custody determinations should be based solely on the best interest of the child. When there are accusations of abuse and neglect, it is imperative that these items are taken seriously and looked into by highly trained individuals.  In high conflict custody cases, with the popular presumption that equal parenting time or 50/50 custody is fair to both parents, the children’s safety, stability and best interest are too often ignored and overlooked while decisions are hastily made due to assumptions about that both parents are angry and therefore accusatory. While an equal parenting time arrangement may work between two healthy parents, it absolutely does not work when one or both parents are determined to lie, manipulate, alienate and abuse the children in the name of winning at all costs. When one parent is out for themselves and not for the best interest of their own child, the children suffer terribly and litigation is exponentially prolonged creating instability for children. In my case, though it is by far not the worst I’ve heard of, my ex refuses to let me know if our daughter has been sick. I find out if my daughter happens to mention it. Then, he is vague with the details, and of course, she only gets sick on days that she comes back from my house, implying (however ignorantly) that she “caught” the sickness from me or while in my care. Only the partners/ex-partners (or close friends) of a narcissist know where I’m coming from here. Others may think I’m making this up, it is so ridiculous. Lawyers see a lot of lies, so they are hesitant to believe anything that is said, especially as unbelievable as some of my stories were, albeit true!

My first go-to webpage source for narcissism was Tina Swithin’s, “One Mom’s Battle”. She has offered some advice to family lawyers on this issue: Family Law Narcissism

  • Investigation when words do not match actions – Swithin suggests that this could indicate manipulative tendencies. When uninvestigated, it could begin to affect the case. She suggests that court orders contain as little “wiggle-room” as possible which tends to discourage manipulation. I’ve found a strong parenting plan to be a god-send, as my narcissistic ex doesn’t want to be “discovered”, therefore wants no trouble with the law.
  • Harsher penalties for perjury – When individuals are caught lying, the offense should be taken more seriously. Currently, lying is rarely prosecuted, most likely because there is a lot of “he said, she said” in family court and truths are often hard to prove. I’ve learned to keep anything I can use as evidence, such as our work schedules at the time before the divorce (to prove custody issues), receipts from babysitters to prove who paid, and therefore show who took the child to childcare, who arranged for it, etc. I’ve kept all financial records I could get ahold of, even though he was the only one with access to the files I had saved over the years. This may take a little brainstorming on your part. Get some friends in on it. Two heads are better than one. I had past employees that could verify the childcare issues as well. Anyone who would know your past history. Remember, just the facts. That’s all the court cares about.
  • Education on Personality Disorders: I believe it would be a disservice to both parties in a couple plagued by NPD, not to educate the child custody evaluators, guardians ad litem, commissioners, judges, social workers, family lawyer s and other legal aid within the family court system. As I’ll say till I’m blue in the face, read, read, read! Educate yourself as much as possible about NPD. Together, we’ll change the system so that other mothers and fathers don’t have to suffer this fear, and children will have a more stable upbringing! Please, please, please help us! Tina Swithin has done much to change the family court system. I believe we need to

    follow her lead and help her when we can.

  • Focus on the child’s best interests versus parental rights – Swithin believes, and I wholeheartedly agree, that the best interests of the child should be what is focused on. I was “reassured” repeatedly that this was the case, that the family court system is here for the best interest of the child. I find this to be complete BS!!! I do NOT feel that the child’s best interests are the focus of the matter. Not at all. I feel lawyers, judges, etc. are focused on keeping both parties “happy” by giving equal rights, so they won’t have any “Father’s Rights” or “Mother’s Rights” activists on their case. In my opinion, if you’re not “man” (or “woman”) enough to stand behind your decision FOR AN INNOCENTCHILD, you shouldn’t have taken the position as judge! As you can tell, I feel very strongly about this, but you may have other opinions. I am but one opinion and I have been very frustrated with the family court system.

Swithin concludes, “While it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to protect a child. I think the first step is to create a village within the Family Court System that is educated on personality disorders which are becoming increasingly prevalent in today’s society.”

I totally agree. I will do everything I can to help make changes in family law. For legal advice, I would advise anyone involved with a narcissist or other psychopath/sociopath to find a good lawyer. Child custody lawyers are everywhere but I believe it’s hard to find one who knows about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You may be able to get free legal advice from a lawyer on the internet or, if you live near a law school, you may be able to receive services for reduced prices or for free. Family law has it’s shortcomings, especially when dealing with narcissists. It is my wish and hope that we can change this system soon. Family Law Narcissism Family Law Narcissism Family Law Narcissism

Family Law Narcissism Family Law Narcissism Family Law Narcissism Family Law Narcissism

The Coparenting Psychopath

Anyone who has tried to “co-parent” with a psychopath or sociopath or narcissist, if there is a difference, knows that this is an unending battle. The challenges are overwhelming at times. Having just dropped our daughter off

today with her narcissistic father, I’m more frustrated than usual. While I try to enjoy my alone time, and often do, I am left with frustration that his parenting style is harming her and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I have said little so far in this blog about the kinds of things that she comes home saying that her father has said about me, etc., but suffice it to say that his remarks are verbally abusive to her. He HAS to know it, doesn’t he?! I’m so frustrated and horrified that someone who APPEARS to care so much about her (the crying when she leaves, the over-zealous parenting, over-protecting, etc.) can say such things to her and not know that these remarks are damaging. Counselors can’t help. I’ve resolved myself to learning all I can about narcissists and learning how to out-manipulate the manipulator. The co-parenting psychopath cares not about the child involved, or can not see that his actions could cause harm. I think that this is what is going on in “my” narcissists case. I think that he thinks that whatever he says is justified or that what he says can’t hurt her. And, maybe I’m giving him too much credit here. The coparenting psychopath is concerned only with how he can use his daughter to get to you. I don’t care enough about him to even talk about him to her much, other than the usual “did you have a good time at Daddy’s?” It surprises and frustrates me to know that after having been separated for 2 years, and divorced for 1, that he still cares enough to try to turn her against me. He still sees it as a battle and I believe that he thinks that he’ll get her to want to live with him so it will hurt me. As he said before we were separated, “if we’re not together, I won’t make things easy for you. I’ll get full custody of (our daughter) and you won’t see her.” To which I replied, “you’d take your daughter away from her mother, who has been her primary caregiver her whole life?” “Yes. Because she shouldn’t have to be brought up in this kind of environment.” “What kind of environment?” “You’re a liar!” He could never come up with anything I had actually lied about. This was apparently his justification for hurting me by using our daughter against me. That’s a good reason I think, don’t you?

The coparenting psychopath will not take your child to functions or activities that have anything to do with you. For instance, I let our daughter join a dance class on Saturday mornings for 45 minutes. Even when he lived close,The coparenting psychopath will lie to suit their fancy. There will be 8″ of snow on the ground where there is only 2″. The drive to his house will be 30 minutes when you need to drive it to accommodate him, but its a full hour when he has to drive it to accommodate you. His daughter may never be sick at his house, he may take her to the doctor without telling you that she was “sick” in order to try to prove you unfit. Yes, my N-ex (narcissistic ex) has tried all of these and more. The doctor’s appointment plan was poorly executed, therefore I found out about it, and got all of the medical records, (after I had to drive an hour to the doctor’s office to sign the release to get my daughters records. He, of course, hadn’t put me on as the mother). The medical records showed that he was trying to say that she was “always sick” when she was at my house and that her condition cleared up when she was with him. It was, of course, unfounded, and he couldn’t use it for what he wanted, which was part of his battle to get the threatened full custody. Some of the lies are comical, if you can stand to sit back and take it into perspective. It would be much easier to do so if your precious child wasn’t involved and being hurt by his lies. Unfortunately though, this was the case, so I couldn’t laugh at him at the time. At the time, I was scared as hell of what he might try to pull. I still am, though I’m starting to doubt that he can get anywhere without help. Still, he has time to devote to

The coparenting psychopath
The coparenting psychopath

nothing but my demise, which is frightening. While I’m out trying to make a living so that I can one day not live with my parents again, he’s sitting back, taking it easy. Since he lies about his income (self-employed) he pays $112 a month child support. That pays for one session of counseling to try to help undo his damage and the damage of the divorce itself.

My daughter has stopped saying she wishes her dad and I were together. Instead, she now says, “I don’t think Daddy loves you anymore!” Then says, “why did Daddy stop loving you?” to which I simply reply, “I don’t know.” What do you say to that? The co-parenting psychopath will say or do anything to turn your children against you, even, of course, at the expense of the child. He/she will keep you from getting what you deserve, what is rightfully yours, what is your child’s, etc. I made a shadowbox for our daughter when she was a tiny baby. It was an imprint of her feet and hands in plaster. 
He kept it and refuses to give it to me. I made it for her. A real man would logically give it whom it rightfully belonged. Because I was nice and let him live in our house, as he had nowhere else to go, I got screwed over for it.he refused to take her to participate. Well, I take that back. He did take her once, but he saw my sister there. Her dance recital and rehearsal falls on his time this year. It is only 20 minutes from his house. I’m going to have to worry whether he is going to take her again this year. (It fell on his time last year too. He only took her because I told our-previous-babysitter/his girlfriend/whatever when it was going to be so that our daughter’s dad would know that the babysitter knew if he didn’t take her to the dance recital. Narcissists want to look good at all times, so we can sometimes use this to our advantage. Hey, they’d do it to us in a heartbeat! Hopefully she’ll get to go. She loves dance, and even though she’s only 4, she still will notice if she doesn’t get to go to the recital like her cousin and the rest of her dance class.

You’ll see many more posts in the future about the co-parenting psychopath, I’m sure. This is my biggest challenge! Feel free to add your comments below, and please “like” me on Facebook 🙂 God bless!



Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath Coparenting Psychopath

The Definition of Insanity

The Definition of Insanity
The Definition of Insanity

February 26th, 2014: The Definition of Insanity

I could use this headline for ALL my posts. Lol. As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Who’s been there?! I’m writing from the child psychologist’s office today. My 4-year-old daughter is currently in with the therapist. I wonder if this is doing ANY good at all. I HOPE talking to the counselor helps, but I know there’s no way I can stop my narcissistic ex from saying the things he says to her. It’s seems ridiculous to me to keep having to TRY to clean up all of is insanity toward a young innocent child when the problem is HIM. And I have no hope that it’ll stop! Lately some of the comments are: “Daddy said to tell Grandma she’s fat because she eats cheese”, “Daddy says we’re going to move to the beach, just me and him and I won’t get to see you.”, “Daddy says Mommies leave. They’re just there for a little while.” “Daddy said that you left me

Narcissists, Coparenting psychopath
So true!

(when I left him). I reassured her that I’d never leave without her and that she was in fact with me when I left. How could she know about these things if he hadn’t told her? She’s 4. She was 2 at the time. I’m SO frustrated! There’s more too, but I could write a book on what she’s come back saying. My boyfriend has offered to go kick his ass. He hates him and has never even met him. He hates him from his texts and from overhearing his conversation with my daughter over the phone. Every day, I’m closer and closer to agreeing with him about the ass-kicking. Lol. Seriously, I know it won’t help, and that’s still my daughter’s Dad. I wouldn’t want her to be upset because I’m SURE he’d tell her and he’d try even harder to turn her against me and my side of the family, including my boyfriend. I’m sure he’d use it as a pity party and she’d buy right into it, being the sensitive, wonderful girl that she is. She’d feel bad for Daddy and his stock would go way up, my boyfriend’s would go way down, score one for Daddy. Outcome: backfired! Still, it’s fun to think about sometimes.  😉

But seriously, does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? I’m going to post on some other blogs for some feedback as I’ve just started this one and don’t have many readers yet. I’d be thrilled to know what you’ve tried that work or didn’t work. Is ignoring the issue all that can be done when they walk the line of the law? What gets them to step over that line without causing our daughter more stress? How can I get him to direct his anger at me, NOT through her? I don’t think there IS a way, but there are some smart women out there. Maybe someone’s come up with something. Courts at least in our state won’t use child alienation or parental ability to reduce parenting time (unless deemed “unfit”, which is hard to do). I don’t see why not because the less time spent with someone like that the better! I know. I lived with him. It is very confusing and mind-numbing. I can’t imagine dealing with that as a child. I’m not saying that I want her to not know her daddy. That would be sad, for her daddy to be taken away from her, but if he can’t refrain from putting poison into her mind toward me and my family, it’s my opinion that he should have to have supervised visitation. If someone else is there, like our daughter’s old babysitter, whom he may or may not have been having an affair with, he won’t say anything in front of her so he won’t look bad. It is important that he appear to be “THE best father” at all times… well, when someone is watching. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?