Kitty-in-Waiting-Mental Abuse

Mental abuse starts early. Recently, our daughter conveyed to me something that was bothering her. It’s a long story. Let me start at the beginning.

Her Daddy told her that she could get a kitten at his house. She was excited. Weeks passed. No kitten. Kittens are easy to come by around here. He once sent her a picture of a kitten. She liked it but it was a boy and she wanted a girl. They decided to wait for a girl kitten. Still no kitten. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured he was using the excitement of getting a kitten to get her to want to come to his house and was dragging it out. That’s harmless, I guess, to a degree, if you do in fact keep your promise and follow through with a kitten in a reasonable amount of time. I’ll admit, I’ve used the kitten to get her excited about going to Daddy’s so it wasn’t so hard on her. However, the problem started a few days ago.

One day, during this kitten-in-waiting time period, while at my house on the phone with her Daddy, our daughter was saying, “I love YOU more than I love YOU” pointing first to me, then to him. She thought he wouldn’t know what she was saying since he couldn’t see her. I of course, tried to stop her. I knew he would be suspicious enough to ask her what she was saying when she got back to his house. Since his goal in life is to get our daughter to love him more than me and choose to be with him, I knew he would be all over her when she got back, but I never heard anything about it until a few nights ago.

Our daughter was upset. I asked why. When she finally calmed down enough to tell me, she said that she was crying because Daddy had erased her pictures of the boy kitten that she had enjoyed looking at on his phone. I asked her why he had done that. She said, “Because I lied.”

I asked her what she had lied about. She said, “Because I said I loved you more than I loved Daddy.” Now, I’m not in to making a child CHOOSE a parent to love. I could never pick one of my parents to love more. That’s ridiculous, so, I wouldn’t ask her to choose. Nevertheless, I asked her if this WAS a lie. “No.” was her reply. Turns out, what he was upset about was the fact that she was saying that she loved ME more, not HIM. She wasn’t lying. He had convinced her that she was lying and the she deserved to be punished. Her punishment was deleting the pictures of the kitten from him phone. She was so upset. I asked her if she cried when he did it. She said, “No, but my throat was hurting.” (She had a lump in her throat). I don’t know if he just deleted the pictures of the kitten on the phone or if the whole prospect of getting a kitten is gone now, but the fact that he had convinced her that she had lied when, (sounds to me like) she DIDN’T and that’s what he didn’t like. He didn’t want to hear the truth. He wanted to hear that she loved HIM more and he found a way to punish her for not loving him the most, as stupid as that is, and making it look like it was because of a VALID reason, like her lying.

She tells Grandma that she loves my boyfriend more than she loves Daddy because Daddy is mean to Mommy. I’m sure she loves her Daddy, but I found this to be an interesting observation on her part. I don’t tell her that he was mean to me. I told her that we didn’t get along when she asks about it. She has drawn her own conclusions. I’m proud of her for seeing through it. I hate that she HAS to.

Such is life with a narcissist!

Megalomania vs. Narcissism: Dating a Megalomaniac

According to Wikipedia (
“Megalomania is a psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of power, relevance, omnipotence, and by inflated self-esteem.[1] Historically it was used as an old name for narcissistic personality disorder prior to the latter’s first use by Heinz Kohut in 1968, and is used today as a non-clinical equivalent.[2][3] It is not mentioned in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)[4] or the International Statistical Classification of Diseases (ICD).”

Megalomania and narcissism are virtually interchangeable. However, they have slightly different connotations. Narcissism involves a preoccupation with–and some say excessive–love of one’s self. Megalomania implies a more successful, money-hungry definition of narcissism. While narcissists often have delusions of grandeur, megalomaniacs always do. It may seem like splitting hairs to make a distinction between the two, and since either of these often escape diagnosis, it probably really doesn’t matter which term we use. Suffice it to say: megalomania is another word for narcissism.
The definition of mental illness is an actual medical condition that negatively affects a person’s feelings, mood, ability to relate to others, and day-to-day functioning. Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)) or megalomania can both be described this way. Mental illness definition is not necessarily useful when dealing with NPD or megalomania, as 1.) Most narcissists do not go to a therapist so will therefore not be diagnosed. And, 2.) a person with NPD will most likely not seek help and will deny that they have a problem.

So, what do you do when you are dating or married to a megalomaniac? If you are dating a megalomaniac, my advice would be to seriously think about whether you want to try to fight a battle that you can’t win. Unless you have major ties, such as a child together, I’d seriously consider being tied to this person for life. Research the disorder as much as you can. Read the rest of my blog. While it is sad to see a loved one in pain, and they’ll likely experience pain when you leave them, ultimately, it is not fair to you or your future family to put them in a position of vulnerability with the megalomaniac. I’ve been in your shoes. There are many other men/women out there that also deserve love that will give you a healthy relationship. With the internet, it is easy to find others to date. I, myself, met my future husband on the internet quickly. I only looked for a few months. Invest your time in someone who is healthy. It sounds selfish, but you are choosing a father/mother for your future family. It IS a big deal! A divorce and custody battle is horrendous. It is the hardest, most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever been through and it is SO hard on your children. Trust me! You DON’T want to do this! Read stories from women/men who have been involved for a while


and their outcomes. Research those who have made it work for any length of time with a narcissist or megalomaniac. These stories are few and far between. I’m not saying that it is impossible. Anyone CAN change. Few megalomaniacs, however, DO change.
My blog “Torn” is dedicated to helping women and men like you avoid starting down the nightmare of a road that is a relationship with a narcissist (megalomaniac). Please, please, please do your research!

What is Minor’s Counsel?

Minor's counsel
Minor’s counsel

Divorce is often a painful and daunting process, especially when children are involved. Parents often choose legal aid (divorce lawyers) to help then get what is fair in the realm of family law. Some choose to represent themselves for financial reasons or if they cannot find a family lawyer. A simple attorney search online can help one find divorce lawyers or legal advice for those who are representing themselves. There are sources on the internet and in communities that provide free legal advice. A child support calculator provides an easy way to determine a fair amount of child support to be paid.

Minors are rarely allowed to testify in court or to speak to a judge directly. Because of this, the court will appoint a minor’s counsel, who is a lawyer, to interview the child about their custodial preference and factors involved in child custody decisions. Minor’s counsel is appointed by a judge to represent a child, not the parent, who often has his/her own divorce attorney. Parents can’t choose the lawyer, but they can request a particular family lawyer be appointed by the judge.

Minor’s counsel lawyers are supposed to be a neutral voice for the child, without compromising the child’s rights, emotional well-being, or forcing the child to side with one parent or the other after legal separation. The goal is to do what is the best for the minor child. Minor’s counsel lawyers are not bound by the emotions that often accompany divorce, child abuse, neglect, and other difficult issues that children and parents face, issues that are often associated with contested child custody or divorce cases.

Minor’s counsel represents the child, solely. If more than one child is born of the marriage, separate counsel for each child may be appointed. Often both parents share the fees of legal counsel for the child/children. Once assigned, the attorney continues to represent the minor until the child reaches the age of 18. In some cases, the court may choose to end their appointment early, if they feel that it is no longer necessary.

Minor’s counsel acts as an investigator to seek the facts of the situation where the represented children are involved. They learn about the child’s best interests including the welfare of the child, including the child’s health and safety. Legal aid will gather information from interviews with the child, the parents, therapists, and doctors who have knowledge of the particular child’s situation. The lawyers/counsel will also evaluate school records, psychological evaluations, medical records, and any other record that provides relevant information pertaining to the child’s needs and any other such evidence that is relevant.

After interviewing the child, the lawyer’s office will investigate any relevant concerns before the hearing. At the hearing, the lawyer will discuss what they’ve found with the other divorce attorney (family law attorney/divorce lawyer), the parents, and the judge and will offer his/her legal advice.

Minor’s counsel, at the request of the court, will prepare a written statement of issues and contentions regarding the facts that pertain to the best interests of the child. The statement is a summary of the information received by counsel, a list of the sources of information, the results of minor counsel’s investigation, and other matters as directed by the court. The statement is then filed with the court and is submitted to the parties or their attorneys prior to the hearing, unless the court orders otherwise.
Minor’s counsel can introduce and examine witnesses, present arguments to the court concerning the child’s welfare, and participate further in the proceeding to the degree necessary to adequately represent the child

Rights of Minor’s Counsel:

  • Reasonable access to the child.
  • To seek benefits on behalf of the child.
  • Notice of any proceeding, and all phases of that proceeding, including a request for examination affecting the child.
  • The right to take any action that is available to a party to the proceeding.
  • Access to the child’s medical, dental, and other health care records, school records, and psychologist/psychiatrists records. He/she also has the right to interview school personnel, caretakers, health care providers, mental health professionals, and others who have been associated with the child or provided care to the child.
  • The right to advanced notice of, and the right to refuse any examination or evaluation, for purposes of the proceeding, which has not been ordered by the court.
  • The right to assert or waive any privilege on behalf of the child.
  • The right to seek independent psychological or physical examination or evaluation of the child for purposes of the court proceedings, upon approval by the court.

Minor’s Counsel’s Access to Child Abuse Reports
Minor’s counsel can also request from the court a release of relevant local child protective services (CPS) reports. If granted, the court will review the reports to determine whether they are relevant to custody or visitation, and whether and to what extent they should be released to minor’s counsel.

Child Abuse: Is Anyone Listening to Our Children?

Tina Swithin, author of “One Mom’s Battle” has written a great article on Child Abuse:  What are we teaching our children?

Child Abuse
Child Abuse

It infuriates me that we must send children to live with abusive parents, when WE know that they are being abused. Still, if we don’t comply, we are said to be alienating our children from the abusers. How can we be expected to send our beloved children, those who trust us to care for them and keep them safe, to live with an abusive parent? Our judicial system is SO misinformed! Please help us make changes and educate the court system about living with a sociopath/psychopath!

Child Abuse: Is Anyone Listening to our Children

So, where is a parent to turn? It can oftentimes feel hopeless to deal with a narcissist or psychopath in a custody situation. My ex won’t acknowledge any accomplishments that she has while in my care. He won’t attend her functions (but is now trying to use the fact that I had her in activities such as mini league, pre-school, dance and gymnastics as “proof” that I allienated him from her.) It is difficult to see your child go through this and try to make sense of their father (or mother) who is doing these things. I also had our daughter in therapy, which he has put a stop to. He never gave his permission. In fact, the therapy started long before the divorce process and I never considered that he would need to give his permission for something that couldn’t harm her. It’s not like it was “medical”. Nothing was given to her or taken out of her. Can he “get” me on that? Who knows. I guess time will tell. Until then, I’ll keep on doing what I think is right for her.

Recently, our daughter said Daddy had been wiping her with his hand. While I don’t think he would do anything intentionally sexually abusive, it is definitely strange behavior that shows that he gives no respect for her boundaries. child services was involved and of course, it came out “inconclusive”. In cases of KNOWN abuse, such as the emotional abuse of our daughter, it is very frustrating, as it seems nothing can/will be done. Please leave your comments below if you have any ideas on solutions to this problem.


…And You Let Her Go (Why We Stay)

There’s nothing sadder than seeing your child cry when they have to leave you and forcing them to do it anyway, even when they are only going to their other parent’s house. Our daughter often says she doesn’t want to go to Daddy’s. I don’t ask her for this information. She tells me. She tells Grandma. She tells her cousin. She doesn’t want to go. She cries because she has to go. She cries when she thinks about it. In the car today driving to the

drop-off location, I looked back to see tears streaming down her face in the silence before the sob, mouth open, face red, tears coming down. We had decided to walk the last little bit of the way. I ended up carrying her instead, arms wrapped around my shoulders, legs wrapped around my waist, in one big, last, long hug. She won’t hug or kiss me in front of her Daddy. She knows he won’t approve. She is only allowed to hug him. She knows she is to pretend that she loves HIM more when she is with him once she gets there. So, it was the last hug she was allowed to give me until she saw me again. She didn’t want to let go until he takes her from me. She doesn’t fight. She knows it’ll hurt his feelings if she expresses her true feelings that she doesn’t want to go with him. So she went. It is just so hard to let them go… And you let her go. 🙁

I’m of course, referring to the song “Let her Go” by Passenger. My daughter watched the Budweiser commercial repeatedly, which has the song on it. I found the commercial on YouTube after the Superbowl. I thought she’d like it because of the Clydesdale horses. She did. After she’d watched the commercial a few times, she started to sob. I asked why she was sad. She said it was because it makes her think of having to go to Daddy’s and leaving me. I think the part that got her were the lines “only hate the road when you’re missing home” and “and you let her go.” She knows how hard it is to let me go, and how hard it is for me… for ALL of us. Kids know so much more than we give them credit for sometimes. It has never gotten any easier for either one of us. We accept it, but it’s just as hard saying goodbye now as it was in the beginning. It makes you resent the other parent, though he has a right to see her too. It’s just hard. No one said life was easy, I guess. I know it’s not easy for him either. If anyone asks why a person might stay in a bad relationship, even where there is physical abuse, this is one of the reasons that we subconsciously know. It hurts to be separated from your children! It hurts every time they leave. It hurts

them. It hurts us parents. Let someone who doesn’t understand that go through leaving their children for 5 days at a time or more for some mothers. How would they feel if they only got to see their children every other weekend?! I strongly believe that the fear of the worst (which sometimes happens, by the way) causes some parents to stay in a bad relationship. It is often less scary than what COULD and sometimes DOES happen.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be beat than lose my child. The court system isn’t fair. (See One Mom’s Battle link to the left under “Resources” for those who don’t already know). Am I sad I left? Hell no! I’m SO glad every day of my life that I’m free… but there are downsides too. It’s something you can’t imagine until you go through it. My point is: don’t judge someone without knowing the circumstances. Battered women stay because they have good reason to. It is an extremely difficult decision to make and there are thousands of factors to be weighted that those that have never had to go through it may not realize. I was fortunate enough to get out after only one comparatively minor physical incident (and years of verbal incidents). While it would seem that more severe violence would mean an easier decision and a hastier exit, I believe it would lead to more conflict about sending your children to live solely with the abusive parent, even if only for a weekend every other week. Who is there to protect them? It is a society-imposed nightmare that no one should have to live through and few truly understand. Children DO end up with abusive parents, both verbally abusive and physically abusive. It IS scary. REALLY scary, sometimes, scarier than living with someone who might hit you every once-in-a-while and appear to love you the next. …Chime in readers! 🙂