Raising a mentally stable child with an unstable Parent isn’t easy. I
was working on my blog one day when Avery (6 ½ years old) was doing her homeschooling. She asked me what I was doing. I just told her I was writing a paper to try to help other kids like her deal with divorce issues. She doesn’t know about my secret blog, of course. That would be too risky and probably inappropriate, but she immediately wanted to help out. I’ve included our conversation below.
“Just go along with everything he says. You might have to fib to him a little bit but it’s okay because it’s the only way he’ll be nice and won’t say you’re doing anything bad, and call you a fibber. It’s kind of hard because you know that fibbing isn’t right.
What if he gets mad?
“Then just… if he just walks away from you, sit there until a while later until you think he forgot, then just walk to where he is. The kitchen, for example, just say “Hi daddy.” The perfect time is half of a half-an-hour later.
If you cry?
He says, ”why are you crying?”
I make up some reason. Not the truth. Sometimes I do, but I sometimes get called a fibber if I tell the truth… if I say the truth when I go back.
What days does he seem to be worse? “Right when I come back. Thursday and Friday (She goes back on Thursday”
Why? “I don’t know.”
How do we get our children to understand that it is not okay to lie when one parent is delusional? I think when he hears something he doesn’t like to hear, that his child loves her mother, for example, something that is perfectly natural and healthy, it is so far from his reality that he just can’t accept it. He can’t understand that his own daughter is an individual and has her own likes/dislikes but sees her as an extension of himself instead.
I explain to her that it is not okay to lie but in her situation with Daddy, if she feels she has to lie, I can understand. I want her to know it is not right but I understand why she is doing it. I myself have been in her shoes. I can’t say that I didn’t lie under the same circumstances at times for my own safety. She has an innate sense that she is not safe with him. She has said many times that he will kill her. I don’t think this is ever anything he’s told her but she’s scared. It’s definitely not anything I’ve said to anyone. However, I can certainly understand her fears. I once thought he might try to kill me. But, of course, the court won’t understand her concerns. It’s not like I can just not send her or she will likely be taken away from me. Then what chance do we have? And for a child to have such fear in their lives (especially coming from their own father) is heartbreaking. And what can I do!? It is so frustrating! I can’t do anything until he’s done something. Call me crazy but, in my opinion, by then it’s too late!
I don’t have the answers. I wish I could find some book for kids in this situation! Opinions? Anyone else have anything that they’ve tried?
It’s early here. I’m waiting for Avery to wake up. She had a bellyache last night. She didn’t quit talking though, so I don’t know if she just needed attention, dreaded going to Daddy’s, or really was sick.
It’s been 4 years since we separated and sending her back over there has never gotten easy. Now, she’s old enough to be away from me, though it causes her a lot of stress. However, now she’s old enough to have an opinion, and that KILLS him. Worst of all, it kills her! She can’t express her true self. She has to be his little puppet. It is so sad and I hate it. She will only wear certain clothes back. They can’t have glitter, Hello Kitty, be anything that may have been her cousin’s, or a series of other imagined infractions. She just wears back what she wore here. It’s easiest, even if they are too small. He’s thrown away her prized clothes right in front of her if they don’t meet his stringent requirements (he gets her clothes from Goodwill, very used). She can’t have her nails painted or he’ll scrape the polish off with a toothpick (then pick his teeth with it, as Avery says). She can’t wear shoes with a heel, “summer” socks (he thinks they are too small), shoes with glitter of course, or sandals. No open toes or flip flops. He says they aren’t safe. I guess that’s for
I’m still waiting for the next court case to pop up. It’s been about a month since we heard about the Supreme Court case. (He lost, by the way.)
My friend texted and asked how things with “him” were going. I filled her in on a little of what was happening. She’d been friends of the ex until recently, having remained “neutral” in the divorce. She’d
recently discovered what a cheat and liar he is. When I told her what my daughter had said, she had some interesting recollections to share.
She said that he had told her some time back (at least 8-9 months ago) that I had been sexually abused by my father! That is nowhere NEAR the truth! My father never did anything of the sort! I had a great childhood, not that we didn’t have our usual problems. My ex has also been telling people that I underwent years of therapy but am
still bipolar because of the abuse and that he’s worried it’ll happen to out daughter. That is also not true. I have no mental disorders, thankfully, after all this.
Well, long story short, child services continued their investigation. I had filed the protective order to keep our daughter so as not to get in trouble with child services as well. The judge however threw it out because of the Supreme Court Appeal. He said our local court no longer has jurisdiction to hear anything because of the Supreme Court Appeal. So, no contempt, no nothing! This concerned me a bit. What if he runs off with her as he’s threatened to do and has told our daughter he’s doing? How will I fight it if he runs off? According to the judge, I can’t.
So, I talked to my lawyer later that day. He had talked to the judge and had decided that I should just not send our daughter! I was thrilled! This eased all of my concerns, though I felt very guilty for not sending her to her father’s. I felt awful for her not getting to see him. But, ultimately, I had to do what I thought was right by her. She would not do well if she never got to see me again, or even if he kept her until this Supreme Court case was over. I figured if I kept her, he would also be forced to close that case so that he could get her back. Our
lawyers emailed back and forth on this issue, so he was well aware of what he needed to do to get her back. However, he chose not to see her so that he could continue his futile case (in my opinion and every other lawyer I’ve talked to).
So, months have passed and I still have her. We continue to call her dad nearly every day. He continues to chastise us on proper bedtime and how I don’t care about her because I don’t have her to bed when HE does. More on this later. He is also trying to get all of my records from pre-school, mini league, dance, and gymnastics to prove parent alienation. I have texts and emails to prove that he knew about it, just didn’t bother to attend. Good luck with that! He’s still grasping at straws.
I have much to add to this story. Seems time has been a problem lately! Hope to get caught up very soon!
The plot thickens… So I got the emergency protective order for our daughter. They were to serve it to him at the pick-up location. I felt bad for him. He comes to see his daughter only to find out that he doesn’t get visitation this time. Even this psychopath doesn’t deserve it to go down like this. I feel bad for him.
At the same time, I’m relieved. Our daughter is thrilled! She gives me a hug and says “Thanks Mommy!” We couldn’t even call because of the protective order. She hasn’t wet her pants once in all this time, as of now it’s been a month since she’s seen him. (She’s been wetting her pants 3 times the first day back, two the next day, and one the third day back pretty consistently for months. I didn’t notice the pattern for a while, sadly but I’m sure it was going on longer than I realized with such a strong pattern) I don’ t know what the wet pants means, other than a sign of stress or SOMETHING not being right. She says she wets her pants a LOT at Daddy’s. She says he doesn’t get mad at her though, which I’m thankful for.
Through the next week, more comes out. The initial concerns of our daughter’s: Daddy showering with her (at almost 6 yoa) and Daddy wiping her without toilet paper grew into a little more of a puzzle. While I don’t believe he is intentionally sexually abusing her, his inability to see her as a person, a growing girl, has obviously made her uncomfortable enough to sense that something isn’t right.
A few weeks before all of this, she had said something out of the blue. She said “I wish grandpa would get a gun and shoot Daddy!” That blew me away! Here’s my innocent, sweet little girl expressing such a strong, disturbing statement. I was hesitant to tell anyone, as I was afraid they’d think there was something wrong with her. I did tell her therapist. She was just happy that our daughter was finally expressing herself. She said it didn’t sound like her. I agreed. It was at this point that she mentioned that usually our daughter wouldn’t say ANYTHING negative about her Daddy, even the usual stuff kids say. Everyday stuff, like “Daddy makes me go to bed early.” or, “Daddy doesn’t let me eat enough candy.”After that session, I decided to once again try to find a different therapist. That’s what led me to talk to the therapist that ultimately reported to CPS.
During the following week, I decided I must tell his family. I was a little afraid to. I was afraid they’d think I’d accused him of this and reported it, but they know me better than that. I also hated to tell his mother. That’s a pretty awful thing to hear about your son. But, I told them. His mother stood by her original belief that her son should have supervised visits only. She asked me to get to the bottom of it and have our daughter talk to someone. I reassured her that I had and would continue to do so.
About this time, I’d told a friend what was going on. She shed interesting news that would make me rethink the whole situation!… (See Part 3 of 50 Shades of Crazy)
My N-Ex (Narcissistic Ex) brought me the book that goes to my blender at drop off. He just handed it to me. I thanked him. He said nothing. All along, I thought, “uh oh!” He doesn’t do something this nice (yea, it’s really not THAT nice) without something else being up his sleeve. Seems he tries to distract me and catch me off guard or else he’s trying to convince himself he’s a nice person by doing these things. Maybe this eases some of his guilt, whatever. I don’t know, but it always seems that when he does something nice, the other shoe drops.
Fast forward a few days... a few weeks ago, I was on my way to a relaxing day trip. My mom called me on the phone. She said my dad had just had to sign for some certified mail from the courthouse in our neighboring state, the one in which my ex now lives. I asked her to open it and read it. It said that my ex was seeking to nullify our divorce in the state in which we were divorced and RE-divorce me in HIS current state and the state in which we lived prior to moving to the state in which we were divorced. The paperwork asked for full financial info, assets, debts, childcare expenses, personal expenses, etc. ALL OVER AGAIN! I called my attorney. He left me a message on my cell phone saying, "I'm in awe over here. You're right, this is bizarre! Call me back". When I talked to him, he stated he'd never had this happen before. He is a well-respected family-law lawyer with over 30 years of experience. He said he couldn't do anything because he isn't licensed in that state but he said he could refer me to someone in that state if needed. I THOUGHT that I had someone lined up, but turns out, he couldn't do it either. When I called my lawyer back, his receptionist said he'd gotten sick and had to go to the hospital. I found out a few days later that he'd had a stroke. Hopefully not a bad one.
Long story short, I FINALLY found one that would represent me on the case. $900 later, my appeal was filed. I'm currently still hopefully awaiting the letter in the mail from the court in the "new" state stating that the hearing date for Sept. 2 has been cancelled. He filed the appeal July 21. Has anyone else had this experience? Comment if you'd like below. I still think my N-ex is just trying to scare me, as in one of our last big arguments, he boasted that he'd had military training in the realm of psychological warfare and he could outlast me in that regard. I guess we'll see about that!
Why is he doing it? I think that he thinks I still have that property that I returned to my family to repay our
loan to them. He sees that that property has since been sold and thinks I have money now. Our 4-year-old daughter has said numerous times, "Daddy says you have enough money to buy a house". I don't, but he's assuming. He should KNOW that I have nothing.
It had always been an issue of ours. I was the one who always fixed her hair for as long as she had enough to fix
until she was two and a half, when we left him. Fixed it, washed it, changed the diapers, took her everywhere I went, etc. I didn’t even go out to the grocery store without her. Naturally, as the mother, I thought it was my choice on how I fixed her hair, as I’m the only one who DID the job. I politely declined his suggestion that she should have bangs. He didn’t like that I didn’t obey him. When they were within half an inch of the rest of her ponytail, and after we were separated, he cut her bangs himself- thick and WAY back her head. I found out when I picked her up from his visitation. I was livid because I felt that he was doing it to get back at me, but as kindly as I could muster, I said, “You should have talked to me about this first.” He responded, “You shouldn’t have lied!” I asked, “What did I lie about?” He said, “You’ll find out!” I still to this day don’t know what I lied about but I THINK he thinks I called the child protection agency on him. I didn’t.
Anyway, he has continued to chop her bangs off as he wishes, and it’s almost always a butcher job. I think he goes home and “evens them out”, makes them shorter, and chops off the baby hairs on the sides so she has sideburns. I have cut them before to save him from doing it but he always seems to do it (and do it shorter) when he is mad about something. For instance, if I ask him to NOT cut them for a dance recital when they are to be pulled back, he chops them off to a mere inch in length at the shortest part. I achieved great satisfaction however when I successfully managed to pull those babies back and clip them so they wouldn’t go anywhere. I have perfected the art of hiding those bangs so I don’t have to be reminded. Our daughter’s hair is long and smooth and beautiful. It goes halfway down her back. I’ve trimmed it several times and he has too.
Recently, after the last two visits, she has come home saying, “Daddy said he was going to cut off my ponytail.” She said he held scissors up to her ponytail. She said “and he wasn’t joking! He wasn’t smiling or anything.” She didn’t want him to do it but she said she didn’t say anything to him. She’s 4 and is very concerned that Daddy will be mad if she stands up to him.
How a haircut can be used as emotional abuse:
Background: In short, my sister cut off my pigtail when I was 3 or 4. She was 5. My mom had to have the rest of my hair cut off to match, so I had a pixie. I HATED it. I thought I looked like a little boy. That has always bothered me. I wished my mom would have left it crooked or something. My ex knows how much that bothered me as a child.
Fast forward to today: Our daughter is 4. He chopped off her bangs as a punishment to me because he thought I lied. He told me that himself. (I still don’t know what I “lied” about.) The last 2 times she has come back from his house, she has expressed concern that Daddy wants to cut off her ponytail. She has long beautiful hair. She said he actually held the scissors up to her ponytail as if he was going to cut it off. She was visibly upset about this. She told me she doesn’t want her ponytail cut off.
Today she called asking if she could get her hair cut. She NEVER asks permission to do anything at Daddy’s so I was suspicious. I asked her how she wants it cut. She said she wants her ponytail cut off. She says it will be cooler. I said, you told me that you DON’T want your ponytail cut off. She says she changed her mind. This child NEVER complains about being hot. What has he said to her to get this done? And why use the phrase “ponytail cut off” if this is not a direct form of emotional abuse? Wouldn’t a normal person who wants to get their child’s hair cut just say, “I want to get your hair cut?” Why would you say, “I want to get your ponytail cut off”? Funny how that’s the phrase I used when describing how my pigtail got cut off. This is a form of mental abuse if I ever saw it. Not sure if I’m describing it well enough for the rest of you to see it. I know it’s there! A judge would never see what I’m saying without knowing the background. An outsider would never see it this way. To them, it looks like a Daddy that’s trying to keep his daughter cool. Narcissists will take any weakness you have and use it against you.
Today, when she called, she asked if she could get her hair cut. This is very unusual because he never asks permission for anything and wouldn’t usually allow her to. I’d guess he has put her up to asking so he can say that she WANTS her hair cut. To me, she’s obviously just appeasing Daddy. She can sense his instability and at her young perceptive age, knows that if Daddy’s not happy, life can be rough. Will she have hair when she comes back? I don’t know, but I’ll be holding my breath until I find out!
There’s nothing sadder than seeing your child cry when they have to leave you and forcing them to do it anyway, even when they are only going to their other parent’s house. Our daughter often says she doesn’t want to go to Daddy’s. I don’t ask her for this information. She tells me. She tells Grandma. She tells her cousin. She doesn’t want to go. She cries because she has to go. She cries when she thinks about it. In the car today driving to the
drop-off location, I looked back to see tears streaming down her face in the silence before the sob, mouth open, face red, tears coming down. We had decided to walk the last little bit of the way. I ended up carrying her instead, arms wrapped around my shoulders, legs wrapped around my waist, in one big, last, long hug. She won’t hug or kiss me in front of her Daddy. She knows he won’t approve. She is only allowed to hug him. She knows she is to pretend that she loves HIM more when she is with him once she gets there. So, it was the last hug she was allowed to give me until she saw me again. She didn’t want to let go until he takes her from me. She doesn’t fight. She knows it’ll hurt his feelings if she expresses her true feelings that she doesn’t want to go with him. So she went. It is just so hard to let them go… And you let her go. 🙁
I’m of course, referring to the song “Let her Go” by Passenger. My daughter watched the Budweiser commercial repeatedly, which has the song on it. I found the commercial on YouTube after the Superbowl. I thought she’d like it because of the Clydesdale horses. She did. After she’d watched the commercial a few times, she started to sob. I asked why she was sad. She said it was because it makes her think of having to go to Daddy’s and leaving me. I think the part that got her were the lines “only hate the road when you’re missing home” and “and you let her go.” She knows how hard it is to let me go, and how hard it is for me… for ALL of us. Kids know so much more than we give them credit for sometimes. It has never gotten any easier for either one of us. We accept it, but it’s just as hard saying goodbye now as it was in the beginning. It makes you resent the other parent, though he has a right to see her too. It’s just hard. No one said life was easy, I guess. I know it’s not easy for him either. If anyone asks why a person might stay in a bad relationship, even where there is physical abuse, this is one of the reasons that we subconsciously know. It hurts to be separated from your children! It hurts every time they leave. It hurts
them. It hurts us parents. Let someone who doesn’t understand that go through leaving their children for 5 days at a time or more for some mothers. How would they feel if they only got to see their children every other weekend?! I strongly believe that the fear of the worst (which sometimes happens, by the way) causes some parents to stay in a bad relationship. It is often less scary than what COULD and sometimes DOES happen. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be beat than lose my child. The court system isn’t fair. (See One Mom’s Battle link to the left under “Resources” for those who don’t already know). Am I sad I left? Hell no! I’m SO glad every day of my life that I’m free… but there are downsides too. It’s something you can’t imagine until you go through it. My point is: don’t judge someone without knowing the circumstances. Battered women stay because they have good reason to. It is an extremely difficult decision to make and there are thousands of factors to be weighted that those that have never had to go through it may not realize. I was fortunate enough to get out after only one comparatively minor physical incident (and years of verbal incidents). While it would seem that more severe violence would mean an easier decision and a hastier exit, I believe it would lead to more conflict about sending your children to live solely with the abusive parent, even if only for a weekend every other week. Who is there to protect them? It is a society-imposed nightmare that no one should have to live through and few truly understand. Children DO end up with abusive parents, both verbally abusive and physically abusive. It IS scary. REALLY scary, sometimes, scarier than living with someone who might hit you every once-in-a-while and appear to love you the next. …Chime in readers! 🙂
Our daughter returned yesterday from her father’s house. She made many interesting comments in the 10-minute car-ride home. First of all, out of the blue, she stated,”Mommy, I don’t think Daddy loves you anymore.” She’s said this before.
I asked her, “Oh. Why do you think that?”
She said, “Because he isn’t very nice to you. He doesn’t think you and Grandma are very nice.”
I said, “Oh, what do you think about that?”
She said, “I think you’re nice.” Then she said, “It’s hard deciding who to live with all the time.”
I said, “What do you mean?”
She said, “Daddy wants me to live with him all the time.” She’s also said that he cries when she leaves, most likely a manipulation. The reason I believe this is a manipulation is this: when I called my friend, who I wasn’t “supposed to” call, he was going to leave me. When he saw that I didn’t care that he left and wasn’t going to try to stop him, he decided to take our daughter, the “thing” I cared most about, with him. It was an afterthought for him, and he probably only thought of it because I had taken her when I left the first time. He used her then to get me back. From that point forward, he’s used her.
According to my daughter, he is telling her that she will be living with him full time in the near future. He says they are going to move to the beach together and she will never see me again. This obviously causes our daughter quite a bit of stress. She’s been having nightmares that she can’t find me. I’ve assured her that this won’t happen but I have also made sure she knows my name, grandparents’ names, where she lives, who to contact for help, and how to use the phone, (even though her father’s is different) if she ever gets separated from either of us. I try to make her feel empowered if something ever DID happen but I don’t want to imply by my actions that it is likely either. The truth is, of course it could happen and I wouldn’t be totally shocked if it did.
When she was talking about it one day, I asked her which beach Daddy was wanting to go to. She didn’t know. When she returned this time, she proudly stated that she’d found out which beach he wanted to move to: Florida. So, at least that may narrow it down a bit if I have to search. She says she tells Daddy that she wants to stay with him all the time, “so his feelings won’t be hurt.” She also tells me that she wants to stay with ME all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t need to pick between us. She can see us BOTH. It’s not a decision she can make anyway, so it will stay the same as it is now. For some reason, she is feeling a lot of pressure to decide who to stay with. It seems as if he is priming her to “want” to be with him, even though in our state, children cannot decide until they are at LEAST 13. She is 4. Why is he doing this? I think he’s trying to justify in his mind kidnapping her (or something anyway), or if nothing else, he’s using her to hurt me by her not wanting to be with me. He’s definitely up to something, as all of you who have N-ex’s know. My best friend has had issues with her husband’s ex. Their lawyer reassured her that the kidnapper would have to have nearly a million dollars cash to be able to pull it off, keeping a child hidden for that long, especially with all the new amber alerts that we now have. That reassures me a little, but when it’s your child, it’s still scary. My ex has always bragged about his military connections and when the child welfare services were called on us in our state, he was planning on going to hide out with family until he could get a military flight out of the country. I discussed that they weren’t going to take her away from me (I hadn’t done anything wrong), and wouldn’t he rather her continue a normal life and he could return to live with us as soon as we got it all straightened out? No. It was clearly about what was best for HIM, that he not be away from her. And, he’s always suspected that I turned him in with child welfare. I didn’t. He was most likely trying to get back at me even then, though I didn’t realize it at the time.
When our daughter was speaking of her trip, I asked her when her daddy plans to leave. She said, “tomorrow.” How does this make me feel as a parent? Pretty terrified, I’m gonna be honest. While I doubt he’ll really do it, it has occurred to me that maybe he’s just saying it to her to try to scare me- mind games- trying to “outlast” me. It frustrates me that there’s nothing I can do to prevent this for our daughter’s sake, I just have to let it all play out before I can do anything. Most likely, he’ll leave on the first day of his visitation and I’ll know nothing for days. Is this all part of his mental manipulation? He threatened before that he could outlast me. He doesn’t know the REAL love of a mother (or father). He only knows his version, a sick and twisted game of manipulation, with the only thing he can use his own daughter! Prayers please!
Anyone who has tried to “co-parent” with a psychopath or sociopath or narcissist, if there is a difference, knows that this is an unending battle. The challenges are overwhelming at times. Having just dropped our daughter off
today with her narcissistic father, I’m more frustrated than usual. While I try to enjoy my alone time, and often do, I am left with frustration that his parenting style is harming her and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I have said little so far in this blog about the kinds of things that she comes home saying that her father has said about me, etc., but suffice it to say that his remarks are verbally abusive to her. He HAS to know it, doesn’t he?! I’m so frustrated and horrified that someone who APPEARS to care so much about her (the crying when she leaves, the over-zealous parenting, over-protecting, etc.) can say such things to her and not know that these remarks are damaging. Counselors can’t help. I’ve resolved myself to learning all I can about narcissists and learning how to out-manipulate the manipulator. The co-parenting psychopath cares not about the child involved, or can not see that his actions could cause harm. I think that this is what is going on in “my” narcissists case. I think that he thinks that whatever he says is justified or that what he says can’t hurt her. And, maybe I’m giving him too much credit here. The coparenting psychopath is concerned only with how he can use his daughter to get to you. I don’t care enough about him to even talk about him to her much, other than the usual “did you have a good time at Daddy’s?” It surprises and frustrates me to know that after having been separated for 2 years, and divorced for 1, that he still cares enough to try to turn her against me. He still sees it as a battle and I believe that he thinks that he’ll get her to want to live with him so it will hurt me. As he said before we were separated, “if we’re not together, I won’t make things easy for you. I’ll get full custody of (our daughter) and you won’t see her.” To which I replied, “you’d take your daughter away from her mother, who has been her primary caregiver her whole life?” “Yes. Because she shouldn’t have to be brought up in this kind of environment.” “What kind of environment?” “You’re a liar!” He could never come up with anything I had actually lied about. This was apparently his justification for hurting me by using our daughter against me. That’s a good reason I think, don’t you?
The coparenting psychopath will not take your child to functions or activities that have anything to do with you. For instance, I let our daughter join a dance class on Saturday mornings for 45 minutes. Even when he lived close,The coparenting psychopath will lie to suit their fancy. There will be 8″ of snow on the ground where there is only 2″. The drive to his house will be 30 minutes when you need to drive it to accommodate him, but its a full hour when he has to drive it to accommodate you. His daughter may never be sick at his house, he may take her to the doctor without telling you that she was “sick” in order to try to prove you unfit. Yes, my N-ex (narcissistic ex) has tried all of these and more. The doctor’s appointment plan was poorly executed, therefore I found out about it, and got all of the medical records, (after I had to drive an hour to the doctor’s office to sign the release to get my daughters records. He, of course, hadn’t put me on as the mother). The medical records showed that he was trying to say that she was “always sick” when she was at my house and that her condition cleared up when she was with him. It was, of course, unfounded, and he couldn’t use it for what he wanted, which was part of his battle to get the threatened full custody. Some of the lies are comical, if you can stand to sit back and take it into perspective. It would be much easier to do so if your precious child wasn’t involved and being hurt by his lies. Unfortunately though, this was the case, so I couldn’t laugh at him at the time. At the time, I was scared as hell of what he might try to pull. I still am, though I’m starting to doubt that he can get anywhere without help. Still, he has time to devote to
nothing but my demise, which is frightening. While I’m out trying to make a living so that I can one day not live with my parents again, he’s sitting back, taking it easy. Since he lies about his income (self-employed) he pays $112 a month child support. That pays for one session of counseling to try to help undo his damage and the damage of the divorce itself.
My daughter has stopped saying she wishes her dad and I were together. Instead, she now says, “I don’t think Daddy loves you anymore!” Then says, “why did Daddy stop loving you?” to which I simply reply, “I don’t know.” What do you say to that? The co-parenting psychopath will say or do anything to turn your children against you, even, of course, at the expense of the child. He/she will keep you from getting what you deserve, what is rightfully yours, what is your child’s, etc. I made a shadowbox for our daughter when she was a tiny baby. It was an imprint of her feet and hands in plaster. He kept it and refuses to give it to me. I made it for her. A real man would logically give it whom it rightfully belonged. Because I was nice and let him live in our house, as he had nowhere else to go, I got screwed over for it.he refused to take her to participate. Well, I take that back. He did take her once, but he saw my sister there. Her dance recital and rehearsal falls on his time this year. It is only 20 minutes from his house. I’m going to have to worry whether he is going to take her again this year. (It fell on his time last year too. He only took her because I told our-previous-babysitter/his girlfriend/whatever when it was going to be so that our daughter’s dad would know that the babysitter knew if he didn’t take her to the dance recital. Narcissists want to look good at all times, so we can sometimes use this to our advantage. Hey, they’d do it to us in a heartbeat! Hopefully she’ll get to go. She loves dance, and even though she’s only 4, she still will notice if she doesn’t get to go to the recital like her cousin and the rest of her dance class.
You’ll see many more posts in the future about the co-parenting psychopath, I’m sure. This is my biggest challenge! Feel free to add your comments below, and please “like” me on Facebook 🙂 God bless!
I could use this headline for ALL my posts. Lol. As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Who’s been there?! I’m writing from the child psychologist’s office today. My 4-year-old daughter is currently in with the therapist. I wonder if this is doing ANY good at all. I HOPE talking to the counselor helps, but I know there’s no way I can stop my narcissistic ex from saying the things he says to her. It’s seems ridiculous to me to keep having to TRY to clean up all of is insanity toward a young innocent child when the problem is HIM. And I have no hope that it’ll stop! Lately some of the comments are: “Daddy said to tell Grandma she’s fat because she eats cheese”, “Daddy says we’re going to move to the beach, just me and him and I won’t get to see you.”, “Daddy says Mommies leave. They’re just there for a little while.” “Daddy said that you left me
(when I left him). I reassured her that I’d never leave without her and that she was in fact with me when I left. How could she know about these things if he hadn’t told her? She’s 4. She was 2 at the time. I’m SO frustrated! There’s more too, but I could write a book on what she’s come back saying. My boyfriend has offered to go kick his ass. He hates him and has never even met him. He hates him from his texts and from overhearing his conversation with my daughter over the phone. Every day, I’m closer and closer to agreeing with him about the ass-kicking. Lol. Seriously, I know it won’t help, and that’s still my daughter’s Dad. I wouldn’t want her to be upset because I’m SURE he’d tell her and he’d try even harder to turn her against me and my side of the family, including my boyfriend. I’m sure he’d use it as a pity party and she’d buy right into it, being the sensitive, wonderful girl that she is. She’d feel bad for Daddy and his stock would go way up, my boyfriend’s would go way down, score one for Daddy. Outcome: backfired! Still, it’s fun to think about sometimes. 😉
But seriously, does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? I’m going to post on some other blogs for some feedback as I’ve just started this one and don’t have many readers yet. I’d be thrilled to know what you’ve tried that work or didn’t work. Is ignoring the issue all that can be done when they walk the line of the law? What gets them to step over that line without causing our daughter more stress? How can I get him to direct his anger at me, NOT through her? I don’t think there IS a way, but there are some smart women out there. Maybe someone’s come up with something. Courts at least in our state won’t use child alienation or parental ability to reduce parenting time (unless deemed “unfit”, which is hard to do). I don’t see why not because the less time spent with someone like that the better! I know. I lived with him. It is very confusing and mind-numbing. I can’t imagine dealing with that as a child. I’m not saying that I want her to not know her daddy. That would be sad, for her daddy to be taken away from her, but if he can’t refrain from putting poison into her mind toward me and my family, it’s my opinion that he should have to have supervised visitation. If someone else is there, like our daughter’s old babysitter, whom he may or may not have been having an affair with, he won’t say anything in front of her so he won’t look bad. It is important that he appear to be “THE best father” at all times… well, when someone is watching. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?
My secret story of abuse and survival, and the challenges to come.