Category Archives: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Raising a Mentally Stable Child with an Unstable Parent

Raising a mentally stable child with an unstable Parent isn’t easy. I

Raising a mentally stable child with an unstable parent.
Raising a mentally stable child with an unstable parent.

was working on my blog one day when Avery (6 ½ years old) was doing her homeschooling. She asked me what I was doing. I just told her I was writing a paper to try to help other kids like her deal with divorce issues. She doesn’t know about my secret blog, of course. That would be too risky and probably inappropriate, but she immediately wanted to help out. I’ve included our conversation below.

Avery says:

“Just go along with everything he says. You might have to fib to him a little bit but it’s okay because it’s the only way he’ll be nice and won’t say you’re doing anything bad, and call you a fibber. It’s kind of hard because you know that fibbing isn’t right.

What if he gets mad?

“Then just… if he just walks away from you, sit there until a while later until you think he forgot, then just walk to where he is. The kitchen, for example, just say “Hi daddy.” The perfect time is half of a half-an-hour later.

If you cry?

He says, ”why are you crying?”

I make up some reason. Not the truth. Sometimes I do, but I sometimes get called a fibber if I tell the truth… if I say the truth when I go back.

What days does he seem to be worse? “Right when I come back. Thursday and Friday (She goes back on Thursday”

Why? “I don’t know.”

How do we get our children to understand that it is not okay to lie when one parent is delusional? I think when he hears something he doesn’t like to hear, that his child loves her mother, for example, something that is perfectly natural and healthy, it is so far from his reality that he just can’t accept it. He can’t understand that his own daughter is an individual and has her own likes/dislikes but sees her as an extension of himself instead.

I explain to her that it is not okay to lie but in her situation with Daddy, if she feels she has to lie, I can understand. I want her to know it is not right but I understand why she is doing it. I myself have been in her shoes. I can’t say that I didn’t lie under the same circumstances at times for my own safety. She has an innate sense that she is not safe with him. She has said many times that he will kill her. I don’t think this is ever anything he’s told her but she’s scared. It’s definitely not anything I’ve said to anyone. However, I can certainly understand her fears. I once thought he might try to kill me. But, of course, the court won’t understand her concerns. It’s not like I can just not send her or she will likely be taken away from me. Then what chance do we have? And for a child to have such fear in their lives (especially coming from their own father) is heartbreaking. And what can I do!? It is so frustrating! I can’t do anything until he’s done something. Call me crazy but, in my opinion, by then it’s too late!

I don’t have the answers. I wish I could find some book for kids in this situation! Opinions? Anyone else have anything that they’ve tried?

 

 

March 19, 2016

spring
Hope. Never lose it!

It’s early here. I’m waiting for Avery to wake up. She had a bellyache last night. She didn’t quit talking though, so I don’t know if she just needed attention, dreaded going to Daddy’s, or really was sick.

It’s been 4 years since we separated and sending her back over there has never gotten easy. Now, she’s old enough to be away from me, though it causes her a lot of stress. However, now she’s old enough to have an opinion, and that KILLS him. Worst of all, it kills her! She can’t express her true self. She has to be his little puppet. It is so sad and I hate it. She will only wear certain clothes back. They can’t have glitter, Hello Kitty, be anything that may have been her cousin’s, or a series of other imagined infractions. She just wears back what she wore here. It’s easiest, even if they are too small. He’s thrown away her prized clothes right in front of her if they don’t meet his stringent requirements (he gets her clothes from Goodwill, very used). She can’t have her nails painted or he’ll scrape the polish off with a toothpick (then pick his teeth with it, as Avery says). She can’t wear shoes with a heel, “summer” socks (he thinks they are too small), shoes with glitter of course, or sandals. No open toes or flip flops. He says they aren’t safe. I guess that’s for

I’m still waiting for the next court case to pop up. It’s been about a month since we heard about the Supreme Court case. (He lost, by the way.)

50 Shades of Crazy! -Part 3

50 Shades of Crazy! -Part 3

My friend texted and asked how things with “him” were going. I filled her in on a little of what was happening. She’d been friends of the ex until recently, having remained “neutral” in the divorce. She’d

50 Shades of Crazy! -Part 350 Shades of Crazy! -Part 3
50 Shades of Crazy! -Part 3

recently discovered what a cheat and liar he is. When I told her what my daughter had said, she had some interesting recollections to share.

She said that he had told her some time back (at least 8-9 months ago) that I had been sexually abused by my father! That is nowhere NEAR the truth! My father never did anything of the sort! I had a great childhood, not that we didn’t have our usual problems. My ex has also been telling people that I underwent years of therapy but am

still bipolar because of the abuse and that he’s worried it’ll happen to out daughter. That is also not true. I have no mental disorders, thankfully, after all this.

Well, long story short, child services continued their investigation. I had filed the protective order to keep our daughter so as not to get in trouble with child services as well. The judge however threw it out because of the Supreme Court Appeal. He said our local court no longer has jurisdiction to hear anything because of the Supreme Court Appeal. So, no contempt, no nothing! This concerned me a bit. What if he runs off with her as he’s threatened to do and has told our daughter he’s doing? How will I fight it if he runs off? According to the judge, I can’t.

So, I talked to my lawyer later that day. He had talked to the judge and had decided that I should just not send our daughter! I was thrilled! This eased all of my concerns, though I felt very guilty for not sending her to her father’s. I felt awful for her not getting to see him. But, ultimately, I had to do what I thought was right by her. She would not do well if she never got to see me again, or even if he kept her until this Supreme Court case was over. I figured if I kept her, he would also be forced to close that case so that he could get her back. Our

lawyers emailed back and forth on this issue, so he was well aware of what he needed to do to get her back. However, he chose not to see her so that he could continue his futile case (in my opinion and every other lawyer I’ve talked to).

So, months have passed and I still have her. We continue to call her dad nearly every day. He continues to chastise us on proper bedtime and how I don’t care about her because I don’t have her to bed when HE does. More on this later. He is also trying to get all of my records from pre-school, mini league, dance, and gymnastics to prove parent alienation. I have texts and emails to prove that he knew about it, just didn’t bother to attend. Good luck with that! He’s still grasping at straws.

I have much to add to this story. Seems time has been a problem lately! Hope to get caught up very soon!

 

50 Shades of Crazy!!!-Part 2

50 Shades of Crazy
50 Shades of Crazy

The plot thickens… So I got the emergency protective order for our daughter. They were to serve it to him at the pick-up location. I felt bad for him. He comes to see his daughter only to find out that he doesn’t get visitation this time. Even this psychopath doesn’t deserve it to go down like this. I feel bad for him.

At the same time, I’m relieved. Our daughter is thrilled! She gives me a hug and says “Thanks Mommy!” We couldn’t even call because of the protective order. She hasn’t wet her pants once in all this time, as of now it’s been a month since she’s seen him. (She’s been wetting her pants 3 times the first day back, two the next day, and one the third day back pretty consistently for months. I didn’t notice the pattern for a while, sadly but I’m sure it was going on longer than I realized with such a strong pattern) I don’ t know what the wet pants means, other than a sign of stress or SOMETHING not being right. She says she wets her pants a LOT at Daddy’s. She says he doesn’t get mad at her though, which I’m thankful for.

Through the next week, more comes out. The initial concerns of our daughter’s: Daddy showering with her (at almost 6 yoa) and Daddy wiping her without toilet paper grew into a little more of a puzzle. While I don’t believe he is intentionally sexually abusing her, his inability to see her as a person, a growing girl, has obviously made her uncomfortable enough to sense that something isn’t right.

A few weeks before all of this, she had said something out of the blue. She said “I wish grandpa would get a gun and shoot Daddy!” That blew me away! Here’s my innocent, sweet little girl expressing such a strong, disturbing statement. I was hesitant to tell anyone, as I was afraid they’d think there was something wrong with her. I did tell her therapist. She was just happy that our daughter was finally expressing herself. She said it didn’t sound like her. I agreed. It was at this point that she mentioned that usually our daughter wouldn’t say ANYTHING negative about her Daddy, even the usual stuff kids say. Everyday stuff, like “Daddy makes me go to bed early.” or, “Daddy doesn’t let me eat enough candy.”After that session, I decided to once again try to find a different therapist. That’s what led me to talk to the therapist that ultimately reported to CPS.

During the following week, I decided I must tell his family. I was a little afraid to. I was afraid they’d think I’d accused him of this and reported it, but they know me better than that. I also hated to tell his mother. That’s a pretty awful thing to hear about your son. But, I told them. His mother stood by her original belief that her son should have supervised visits only. She asked me to get to the bottom of it and have our daughter talk to someone. I reassured her that I had and would continue to do so.

About this time, I’d told a friend what was going on. She shed interesting news that would make me rethink the whole situation!… (See Part 3 of 50 Shades of Crazy)