Category Archives: The Divorce

Trouble to Come

I don’t mean to be a pessimist here, but having known this particular narcissist for 10 years now, I know that things aren’t over. There’s always trouble to come. He was nice a few days ago. I sent a reminder by text that I would be picking up our daughter at 5 on Thursday for the Easter holiday. Usually this would evoke anger in him. He’d usually ignore it by text, maybe saying a little remark at pick-up, but this time, he actually replied back, “Thanks. Our schedule is confusing”. Knowing him, when he’s nice, something is up. Mark my words. He’s got SOMETHING in the works. Either he is going to appeal his previous appeal to the state supreme court, he has filed another restraining order against one of us (ok, I just realized I didn’t post about that yet. I will soon), or he has something else up his sleeve. Not to mention, he’s REALLY going to be livid when he finds out that my fiance and I are getting married soon. I’ll keep you posted!

There is HOPE!
There is HOPE!

The Un-divorce


I thought it was over. When I divorced my ex over a year and a half ago, I assumed that it was for good. However, while heading on a family outing with my now-fiance, his daughter, and mine, I got a call from my mom, who had just received a letter in the mail from the courthouse in the city in which my ex lives. I asked her to open it. He was trying to claim that our divorce should have been done in the state in which he now lives, instead of the state in which we lived at the time. Obviously, this is ridiculous. Surely this will never go anywhere, right?! I mean, a divorce is final. You can’t go back a year later can you?! Well, you might be surprised!

(I’m purposely leaving the states names out, for anonymity, though my story is so bizarre, if someone who knows me were to read this blog, they’d KNOW it would have to be me. How many people have gone through an attempted un-divorce and re-divorce, as I call it. I apologize that this must be made harder to read than it has to be.)

I called my lawyer on Monday morning after having faxed him the document. He was stunned. He said it was bizarre and that he had never seen anyone try to do this. He didn’t KNOW what might come of it. He also told me that he couldn’t represent me in that state so I’d have to find another lawyer. After calling several lawyers, only to be denied, I finally received a call back from a lawyer who could take my case. I met with him the next week. I only had a few weeks to respond. He also didn’t know what might happen but he said he had seen that happen before a
time or two. He told me that he thought that the court would throw it out because the new state didn’t have anything to do until the previous state threw it out. So, I paid him my $800 and he filed the appropriate
paperwork. He told me that it should be thrown out. We waited. And waited. And waited. The day of the hearing came and still no news of it being thrown out. Still, the lawyer assured me that I need NOT drive to the new state until I heard from him. Sure enough, about 9:00am, I received a call from my lawyer stating that it had been thrown out that day. Apparently, my ex’s attorney stopped it, the day OF. That is my ex’s MO. The court said that there was nothing they could do until the divorce was nullified from the previous state.

Fast forward a month or two: Sure enough, I received paperwork stating that my ex was trying to appeal the divorce in the state in which the divorce was actually done. I called my former lawyer again. He said he’d represent me. Another $2000. He filed the paperwork and we waited. In a few weeks, we got notice of the hearing. I couldn’t believe they were actually hearing this BS! But they were. Two days before the hearing, my ex hand-delivered a letter to my lawyer’s office. He wanted to postpone the hearing so he could have time to get a lawyer. He said in his request that he couldn’t afford one and needed time to find one. We decided that we didn’t care whether it ever got heard. But, we never did hear from the court.

On the day of the hearing, I was told by my lawyer to gather information proving that we were indeed residents of the state in which we were divorced. I had several bills and court documents showing that he filed for divorce with the address of the state in which we lived and were divorced. He claimed that we had never lived in the state, only in the state in which he now lives. So I gathered my information. I brought a neighbor who knew where we lived and if it appeared that we stayed overnight most nights. I was ready. SURELY this wouldn’t go anywhere, but it HAD gotten this far! Who knows!

I went early. My lawyer was there shortly after. We chatted in another room while we waited. Time came for the hearing. He wasn’t there. We decided to go ahead and have the trial without him since we were already there and he couldn’t come back and try it again if it had already been decided on. We proved sufficiently that we were in fact residents of the state. The judge agreed and gave me $800 I’d asked for in court costs.

A month later, I found out that my ex had APPEALED the decision. He believed that he should have been given the postponement and that he tried to cancel the hearing on the day of the hearing (seeing a pattern here?). So, I was livid. I didn’t want to pay another $2000 to appeal this. I decided to represent myself. It worked out well and I saved $2000. I called a friend who is a lawyer. He doesn’t take cases in family court anymore but he said that divorces have a 30 day appeal time, usually. Sure enough, mine was 30 days. It should have NEVER gone anywhere because my ex tried it over A YEAR AFTER our divorce was final! Two lawyers and a judge didn’t mention this. That was my first argument. They, I refuted all of his claims. His first issue was that he should have been granted the postponement. I attached evidence that he has a history of doing this, both during our divorce and since. His argument #2 was that we were never bonafide residents. I included several attachments that showed that my ex is a liar and contradicted himself on many occasions, including his residence before and during the divorce. His argument #3 was that his motion to dismiss should have been granted. I couldn’t say much to this but questioned whether the motion was made before or after our hearing. I knew that he had taken our daughter to a museum that day instead of showing up at the hearing.

Weeks later, I received good news in the mail! The appealate judge threw out the appeal! They said that if he hadn’t already done so, he should pay me my $800 from before. Of course, I’ve yet to receive that, months later, but him making a fool of himself to the court that will be deciding our REAL issues is payment enough!!

Un-Divorce Update: See Supreme Court Appeal. Ex is now appealing to Supreme Court, leading to me keeping our daughter until it is dropped as NO court currently has jurisdiction over us. It was either me keep her or he keep her until he dropped it. I figured he’d drop it to get her back. He didn’t. It’s not scheduled to be over until the end of September 2015. It is now August. Scary but I’m sure the appeal won’t go anywhere. I don’t THINK the judge can/will find me in contempt but I’m not entirely sure! Very scary but it was that or chance never seeing our daughter again, and I’m NOT going to let that happen!

How Many Times Can One Re-divorce Someone?

My N-Ex (Narcissistic Ex) brought me the book that goes to my blender at drop off. He just handed it to me. I thanked him. He said nothing. All along, I thought, “uh oh!” He doesn’t do something this nice (yea, it’s really not THAT nice) without something else being up his sleeve. Seems he tries to distract me and catch me off guard or else he’s trying to convince himself he’s a nice person by doing these things. Maybe this eases some of his guilt, whatever. I don’t know, but it always seems that when he does something nice, the other shoe drops.

Fast forward a few days... a few weeks ago, I was on my way to a relaxing day trip. My mom called me on the phone. She said my dad had just had to sign for some certified mail from the courthouse in our neighboring state, the one in which my ex now lives. I asked her to open it and read it. It said that my ex was seeking to nullify our divorce in the state in which we were divorced and RE-divorce me in HIS current state and the state in which we lived prior to moving to the state in which we were divorced. The paperwork asked for full financial info, assets, debts, childcare expenses, personal expenses, etc. ALL OVER AGAIN! I called my attorney. He left me a message on my cell phone saying, "I'm in awe over here. You're right, this is bizarre! Call me back". When I talked to him, he stated he'd never had this happen before. He is a well-respected family-law lawyer with over 30 years of experience. He said he couldn't do anything because he isn't licensed in that state but he said he could refer me to someone in that state if needed. I THOUGHT that I had someone lined up, but turns out, he couldn't do it either. When I called my lawyer back, his receptionist said he'd gotten sick and had to go to the hospital. I found out a few days later that he'd had a stroke. Hopefully not a bad one.

Long story short, I FINALLY found one that would represent me on the case. $900 later, my appeal was filed. I'm currently still hopefully awaiting the letter in the mail from the court in the "new" state stating that the hearing date for Sept. 2 has been cancelled. He filed the appeal July 21. Has anyone else had this experience? Comment if you'd like below. I still think my N-ex is just trying to scare me, as in one of our last big arguments, he boasted that he'd had military training in the realm of psychological warfare and he could outlast me in that regard.  I guess we'll see about that!

Why is he doing it? I think that he thinks I still have that property that I returned to my family to repay our

loan to them. He sees that that property has since been sold and thinks I have money now. Our 4-year-old daughter has said numerous times, "Daddy says you have enough money to buy a house". I don't, but he's assuming. He should KNOW that I have nothing.

I'll keep you posted!

Beach Runaway Trip?- And Other “Everyday” Worries

Our daughter returned yesterday from her father’s house. She made many interesting comments in the 10-minute car-ride home. First of all, out of the blue, she stated,”Mommy, I don’t think Daddy loves you anymore.” She’s said this before.

I asked her, “Oh. Why do you think that?”

She said, “Because he isn’t very nice to you. He doesn’t think you and Grandma are very nice.”

I said, “Oh, what do you think about that?”

She said, “I think you’re nice.” Then she said, “It’s hard deciding who to live with all the time.”

I said, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Daddy wants me to live with him all the time.” She’s also said that he cries when she leaves, most likely a manipulation. The reason I believe this is a manipulation is this: when I called my friend, who I wasn’t “supposed to” call, he was going to leave me. When he saw that I didn’t care that he left and wasn’t going to try to stop him, he decided to take our daughter, the “thing” I cared most about, with him. It was an afterthought for him, and he probably only thought of it because I had taken her when I left the first time. He used her then to get me back. From that point forward, he’s used her.

According to my daughter, he is telling her that she will be living with him full time in the near future. He says they are going to move to the beach together and she will never see me again. This obviously causes our daughter quite a bit of stress. She’s been having nightmares that she can’t find me. I’ve assured her that this won’t happen but I have also made sure she knows my name, grandparents’ names, where she lives, who to contact for help, and how to use the phone, (even though her father’s is different) if she ever gets separated from either of us. I try to make her feel empowered if something ever DID happen but I don’t want to imply by my actions that it is likely either. The truth is, of course it could happen and I wouldn’t be totally shocked if it did.

When she was talking about it one day, I asked her which beach Daddy was wanting to go to. She didn’t know. When she returned this time, she proudly stated that she’d found out which beach he wanted to move to: Florida. So, at least that may narrow it down a bit if I have to search. She says she tells Daddy that she wants to stay with him all the time, “so his feelings won’t be hurt.” She also tells me that she wants to stay with ME all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t need to pick between us. She can see us BOTH. It’s not a decision she can make anyway, so it will stay the same as it is now. For some reason, she is feeling a lot of pressure to decide who to stay with. It seems as if he is priming her to “want” to be with him, even though in our state, children cannot decide until they are at LEAST 13. She is 4. Why is he doing this? I think he’s trying to justify in his mind kidnapping her (or something anyway), or if nothing else, he’s using her to hurt me by her not wanting to be with me. He’s definitely up to something, as all of you who have N-ex’s know. My best friend has had issues with her husband’s ex. Their lawyer reassured her that the kidnapper would have to have nearly a million dollars cash to be able to pull it off, keeping a child hidden for that long, especially with all the new amber alerts that we now have. That reassures me a little, but when it’s your child, it’s still scary. My ex has always bragged about his military connections and when the child welfare services were called on us in our state, he was planning on going to hide out with family until he could get a military flight out of the country. I discussed that they weren’t going to take her away from me (I hadn’t done anything wrong), and wouldn’t he rather her continue a normal life and he could return to live with us as soon as we got it all straightened out? No. It was clearly about what was best for HIM, that he not be away from her. And, he’s always suspected that I turned him in with child welfare. I didn’t. He was most likely trying to get back at me even then, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

When our daughter was speaking of her trip, I asked her when her daddy plans to leave. She said, “tomorrow.” How does this make me feel as a parent? Pretty terrified, I’m gonna be honest. While I doubt he’ll really do it, it has occurred to me that maybe he’s just saying it to her to try to scare me- mind games- trying to “outlast” me. It frustrates me that there’s nothing I can do to prevent this for our daughter’s sake, I just have to let it all play out before I can do anything. Most likely, he’ll leave on the first day of his visitation and I’ll know nothing for days. Is this all part of his mental manipulation? He threatened before that he could outlast me. He doesn’t know the REAL love of a mother (or father). He only knows his version, a sick and twisted game of manipulation, with the only thing he can use his own daughter! Prayers please!

The Definition of Insanity

The Definition of Insanity
The Definition of Insanity

February 26th, 2014: The Definition of Insanity

I could use this headline for ALL my posts. Lol. As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Who’s been there?! I’m writing from the child psychologist’s office today. My 4-year-old daughter is currently in with the therapist. I wonder if this is doing ANY good at all. I HOPE talking to the counselor helps, but I know there’s no way I can stop my narcissistic ex from saying the things he says to her. It’s seems ridiculous to me to keep having to TRY to clean up all of is insanity toward a young innocent child when the problem is HIM. And I have no hope that it’ll stop! Lately some of the comments are: “Daddy said to tell Grandma she’s fat because she eats cheese”, “Daddy says we’re going to move to the beach, just me and him and I won’t get to see you.”, “Daddy says Mommies leave. They’re just there for a little while.” “Daddy said that you left me

Narcissists, Coparenting psychopath
So true!

(when I left him). I reassured her that I’d never leave without her and that she was in fact with me when I left. How could she know about these things if he hadn’t told her? She’s 4. She was 2 at the time. I’m SO frustrated! There’s more too, but I could write a book on what she’s come back saying. My boyfriend has offered to go kick his ass. He hates him and has never even met him. He hates him from his texts and from overhearing his conversation with my daughter over the phone. Every day, I’m closer and closer to agreeing with him about the ass-kicking. Lol. Seriously, I know it won’t help, and that’s still my daughter’s Dad. I wouldn’t want her to be upset because I’m SURE he’d tell her and he’d try even harder to turn her against me and my side of the family, including my boyfriend. I’m sure he’d use it as a pity party and she’d buy right into it, being the sensitive, wonderful girl that she is. She’d feel bad for Daddy and his stock would go way up, my boyfriend’s would go way down, score one for Daddy. Outcome: backfired! Still, it’s fun to think about sometimes.  😉

But seriously, does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? I’m going to post on some other blogs for some feedback as I’ve just started this one and don’t have many readers yet. I’d be thrilled to know what you’ve tried that work or didn’t work. Is ignoring the issue all that can be done when they walk the line of the law? What gets them to step over that line without causing our daughter more stress? How can I get him to direct his anger at me, NOT through her? I don’t think there IS a way, but there are some smart women out there. Maybe someone’s come up with something. Courts at least in our state won’t use child alienation or parental ability to reduce parenting time (unless deemed “unfit”, which is hard to do). I don’t see why not because the less time spent with someone like that the better! I know. I lived with him. It is very confusing and mind-numbing. I can’t imagine dealing with that as a child. I’m not saying that I want her to not know her daddy. That would be sad, for her daddy to be taken away from her, but if he can’t refrain from putting poison into her mind toward me and my family, it’s my opinion that he should have to have supervised visitation. If someone else is there, like our daughter’s old babysitter, whom he may or may not have been having an affair with, he won’t say anything in front of her so he won’t look bad. It is important that he appear to be “THE best father” at all times… well, when someone is watching. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?