A few weeks ago, my fiance went with me to pick up my daughter, as he has for the past several months. He usually sits in the car and checks email on his phone. This day, however, he looked out the window at my daughter who was getting ready to get out of the car. As I walked over to get my daughter from her Dad’s car, I saw my ex staring at me in my peripheral vision. As I got closer, I finally looked. He wasn’t staring at me. He was staring past my at my fiance. He yelled loudly, “You got a problem?!” My fiance got out of the car and said “Yeah, I do, but I’m not going to do anything about it in front of

your daughter” He stayed by his car the whole time. Meanwhile, I was signaling to my ex that our daughter was sitting right there. (She shouldn’t see this.) He stopped. He got her out and said goodbye. As I was walking over to our car, my ex yelled, “I’m calling 911!” My fiance said, “Okay” and got back in the car. My ex was sitting there on the phone when we left. I figured he was trying to start something for some particular reason, as is his way. A few weeks later, my fiance got a call from a cop friend from where he used to live that my ex was trying to have him served with a restraining order. We still haven’t received it. My ex probably can’t find out my fiance’s address. I’m really curious to see what he’s claiming. He told our daughter in the last few weeks that someone tried to kill him. I don’t know if that is a recent attempt or in the past, but WHY would you tell your 5-year-old daughter that!? I’m thinking he’s trying to say that his life was threatened on the day that he called 911 (supposedly). This is just an example of the kinds of things that malignant narcissists will try to get a rise out of you (or for whatever reason).

I read a post today from One Mom’s Battle that really reminded me of my relationship with my N-ex. All N’s must be the same. 😉 To read the article, see below:

(http://onemomsbattle.com/2014/04/25/project-managing-our-marriage-and-the-first-encounter-with-the-police/)

Like the author, after our hostage-situation squabble, (that’s a whole other blog post) I decided that I needed to see a counselor. I was majorly stressed out and exhausted from sleeping with one eye open. I was never sure he wasn’t going to try to run off with our daughter. I slept with one hand on her at all times. After I scheduled an appointment, the N-ex wanted to schedule one with the same counselor. Fortunately, she said she didn’t feel comfortable seeing both of us. He had no choice but to go elsewhere.

After that, he started carpooling to work with me and he was home much more. Usually, even though the drive was 50 minutes each way, he’d drive separately because my daughter and I would come along a little later and leave earlier than he would. He could waste time like no other and he’d be there hours longer than he worked, just chatting with people. His call frequency increased when we were not together. He always seemed suspicious. Of what, I don’t know. He threatened to take our daughter permanently two or three times and sternly mentioned that he would get full custody (and I would never see her again) because he was the one with a job and would get primary custody. He said I had a failed business and couldn’t support her. I DIDN’T have a failed business and I made just as much as he did. Both of us owned our own businesses and both of us made very little. Actually, I made more. And, like the author, I was more afraid of him after that day than I had ever been. He really started to watch what I did, where I went, etc. (Not that I ever went anywhere but work and home). Also, like the author, I went to the police and they couldn’t help. The courts couldn’t (wouldn’t) help.

I’ll post my hostage situation weekend soon.

Mental abuse starts early. Recently, our daughter conveyed to me something that was bothering her. It’s a long story. Let me start at the beginning.

Her Daddy told her that she could get a kitten at his house. She was excited. Weeks passed. No kitten. Kittens are easy to come by around here. He once sent her a picture of a kitten. She liked it but it was a boy and she wanted a girl. They decided to wait for a girl kitten. Still no kitten. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured he was using the excitement of getting a kitten to get her to want to come to his house and was dragging it out. That’s harmless, I guess, to a degree, if you do in fact keep your promise and follow through with a kitten in a reasonable amount of time. I’ll admit, I’ve used the kitten to get her excited about going to Daddy’s so it wasn’t so hard on her. However, the problem started a few days ago.

One day, during this kitten-in-waiting time period, while at my house on the phone with her Daddy, our daughter was saying, “I love YOU more than I love YOU” pointing first to me, then to him. She thought he wouldn’t know what she was saying since he couldn’t see her. I of course, tried to stop her. I knew he would be suspicious enough to ask her what she was saying when she got back to his house. Since his goal in life is to get our daughter to love him more than me and choose to be with him, I knew he would be all over her when she got back, but I never heard anything about it until a few nights ago.

Our daughter was upset. I asked why. When she finally calmed down enough to tell me, she said that she was crying because Daddy had erased her pictures of the boy kitten that she had enjoyed looking at on his phone. I asked her why he had done that. She said, “Because I lied.”

I asked her what she had lied about. She said, “Because I said I loved you more than I loved Daddy.” Now, I’m not in to making a child CHOOSE a parent to love. I could never pick one of my parents to love more. That’s ridiculous, so, I wouldn’t ask her to choose. Nevertheless, I asked her if this WAS a lie. “No.” was her reply. Turns out, what he was upset about was the fact that she was saying that she loved ME more, not HIM. She wasn’t lying. He had convinced her that she was lying and the she deserved to be punished. Her punishment was deleting the pictures of the kitten from him phone. She was so upset. I asked her if she cried when he did it. She said, “No, but my throat was hurting.” (She had a lump in her throat). I don’t know if he just deleted the pictures of the kitten on the phone or if the whole prospect of getting a kitten is gone now, but the fact that he had convinced her that she had lied when, (sounds to me like) she DIDN’T and that’s what he didn’t like. He didn’t want to hear the truth. He wanted to hear that she loved HIM more and he found a way to punish her for not loving him the most, as stupid as that is, and making it look like it was because of a VALID reason, like her lying.

She tells Grandma that she loves my boyfriend more than she loves Daddy because Daddy is mean to Mommy. I’m sure she loves her Daddy, but I found this to be an interesting observation on her part. I don’t tell her that he was mean to me. I told her that we didn’t get along when she asks about it. She has drawn her own conclusions. I’m proud of her for seeing through it. I hate that she HAS to.

Such is life with a narcissist!

According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megalomania):
“Megalomania is a psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of power, relevance, omnipotence, and by inflated self-esteem.[1] Historically it was used as an old name for narcissistic personality disorder prior to the latter’s first use by Heinz Kohut in 1968, and is used today as a non-clinical equivalent.[2][3] It is not mentioned in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)[4] or the International Statistical Classification of Diseases (ICD).”

Megalomania and narcissism are virtually interchangeable. However, they have slightly different connotations. Narcissism involves a preoccupation with–and some say excessive–love of one’s self. Megalomania implies a more successful, money-hungry definition of narcissism. While narcissists often have delusions of grandeur, megalomaniacs always do. It may seem like splitting hairs to make a distinction between the two, and since either of these often escape diagnosis, it probably really doesn’t matter which term we use. Suffice it to say: megalomania is another word for narcissism.
The definition of mental illness is an actual medical condition that negatively affects a person’s feelings, mood, ability to relate to others, and day-to-day functioning. Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)) or megalomania can both be described this way. Mental illness definition is not necessarily useful when dealing with NPD or megalomania, as 1.) Most narcissists do not go to a therapist so will therefore not be diagnosed. And, 2.) a person with NPD will most likely not seek help and will deny that they have a problem.

So, what do you do when you are dating or married to a megalomaniac? If you are dating a megalomaniac, my advice would be to seriously think about whether you want to try to fight a battle that you can’t win. Unless you have major ties, such as a child together, I’d seriously consider being tied to this person for life. Research the disorder as much as you can. Read the rest of my blog. While it is sad to see a loved one in pain, and they’ll likely experience pain when you leave them, ultimately, it is not fair to you or your future family to put them in a position of vulnerability with the megalomaniac. I’ve been in your shoes. There are many other men/women out there that also deserve love that will give you a healthy relationship. With the internet, it is easy to find others to date. I, myself, met my future husband on the internet quickly. I only looked for a few months. Invest your time in someone who is healthy. It sounds selfish, but you are choosing a father/mother for your future family. It IS a big deal! A divorce and custody battle is horrendous. It is the hardest, most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever been through and it is SO hard on your children. Trust me! You DON’T want to do this! Read stories from women/men who have been involved for a while

and their outcomes. Research those who have made it work for any length of time with a narcissist or megalomaniac. These stories are few and far between. I’m not saying that it is impossible. Anyone CAN change. Few megalomaniacs, however, DO change.
My blog “Torn” is dedicated to helping women and men like you avoid starting down the nightmare of a road that is a relationship with a narcissist (megalomaniac). Please, please, please do your research!

Divorce is often a painful and daunting process, especially when children are involved. Parents often choose legal aid (divorce lawyers) to help then get what is fair in the realm of family law. Some choose to represent themselves for financial reasons or if they cannot find a family lawyer. A simple attorney search online can help one find divorce lawyers or legal advice for those who are representing themselves. There are sources on the internet and in communities that provide free legal advice. A child support calculator provides an easy way to determine a fair amount of child support to be paid.

Minors are rarely allowed to testify in court or to speak to a judge directly. Because of this, the court will appoint a minor’s counsel, who is a lawyer, to interview the child about their custodial preference and factors involved in child custody decisions. Minor’s counsel is appointed by a judge to represent a child, not the parent, who often has his/her own divorce attorney. Parents can’t choose the lawyer, but they can request a particular family lawyer be appointed by the judge.

Minor’s counsel lawyers are supposed to be a neutral voice for the child, without compromising the child’s rights, emotional well-being, or forcing the child to side with one parent or the other after legal separation. The goal is to do what is the best for the minor child. Minor’s counsel lawyers are not bound by the emotions that often accompany divorce, child abuse, neglect, and other difficult issues that children and parents face, issues that are often associated with contested child custody or divorce cases.

Minor’s counsel represents the child, solely. If more than one child is born of the marriage, separate counsel for each child may be appointed. Often both parents share the fees of legal counsel for the child/children. Once assigned, the attorney continues to represent the minor until the child reaches the age of 18. In some cases, the court may choose to end their appointment early, if they feel that it is no longer necessary.

Minor’s counsel acts as an investigator to seek the facts of the situation where the represented children are involved. They learn about the child’s best interests including the welfare of the child, including the child’s health and safety. Legal aid will gather information from interviews with the child, the parents, therapists, and doctors who have knowledge of the particular child’s situation. The lawyers/counsel will also evaluate school records, psychological evaluations, medical records, and any other record that provides relevant information pertaining to the child’s needs and any other such evidence that is relevant.

After interviewing the child, the lawyer’s office will investigate any relevant concerns before the hearing. At the hearing, the lawyer will discuss what they’ve found with the other divorce attorney (family law attorney/divorce lawyer), the parents, and the judge and will offer his/her legal advice.

Minor’s counsel, at the request of the court, will prepare a written statement of issues and contentions regarding the facts that pertain to the best interests of the child. The statement is a summary of the information received by counsel, a list of the sources of information, the results of minor counsel’s investigation, and other matters as directed by the court. The statement is then filed with the court and is submitted to the parties or their attorneys prior to the hearing, unless the court orders otherwise.
Minor’s counsel can introduce and examine witnesses, present arguments to the court concerning the child’s welfare, and participate further in the proceeding to the degree necessary to adequately represent the child

Rights of Minor’s Counsel:

• Reasonable access to the child.
• To seek benefits on behalf of the child.
• Notice of any proceeding, and all phases of that proceeding, including a request for examination affecting the child.
• The right to take any action that is available to a party to the proceeding.
• Access to the child’s medical, dental, and other health care records, school records, and psychologist/psychiatrists records. He/she also has the right to interview school personnel, caretakers, health care providers, mental health professionals, and others who have been associated with the child or provided care to the child.
• The right to advanced notice of, and the right to refuse any examination or evaluation, for purposes of the proceeding, which has not been ordered by the court.
• The right to assert or waive any privilege on behalf of the child.
• The right to seek independent psychological or physical examination or evaluation of the child for purposes of the court proceedings, upon approval by the court.

Minor’s Counsel’s Access to Child Abuse Reports
Minor’s counsel can also request from the court a release of relevant local child protective services (CPS) reports. If granted, the court will review the reports to determine whether they are relevant to custody or visitation, and whether and to what extent they should be released to minor’s counsel.

Tina Swithin, author of “One Mom’s Battle” has written a great article on Child Abuse:  http://stopabusecampaign.com/feature/listening?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=listening  What are we teaching our children?

It infuriates me that we must send children to live with abusive parents, when WE know that they are being abused. Still, if we don’t comply, we are said to be alienating our children from the abusers. How can we be expected to send our beloved children, those who trust us to care for them and keep them safe, to live with an abusive parent? Our judicial system is SO misinformed! Please help us make changes and educate the court system about living with a sociopath/psychopath!

Child Abuse: Is Anyone Listening to our Children

So, where is a parent to turn? It can oftentimes feel hopeless to deal with a narcissist or psychopath in a custody situation. My ex won’t acknowledge any accomplishments that she has while in my care. He won’t attend her functions (but is now trying to use the fact that I had her in activities such as mini league, pre-school, dance and gymnastics as “proof” that I allienated him from her.) It is difficult to see your child go through this and try to make sense of their father (or mother) who is doing these things. I also had our daughter in therapy, which he has put a stop to. He never gave his permission. In fact, the therapy started long before the divorce process and I never considered that he would need to give his permission for something that couldn’t harm her. It’s not like it was “medical”. Nothing was given to her or taken out of her. Can he “get” me on that? Who knows. I guess time will tell. Until then, I’ll keep on doing what I think is right for her.

Recently, our daughter said Daddy had been wiping her with his hand. While I don’t think he would do anything intentionally sexually abusive, it is definitely strange behavior that shows that he gives no respect for her boundaries. child services was involved and of course, it came out “inconclusive”. In cases of KNOWN abuse, such as the emotional abuse of our daughter, it is very frustrating, as it seems nothing can/will be done. Please leave your comments below if you have any ideas on solutions to this problem.

I thought this was funny. Gotta laugh when you can, right?

Our daughter was talking to me on the phone one evening (he’s been letting her talk for a few minutes lately. (It’s usually “Love you. Bye, bye.) I think because he needed me to get my taxes done to get his filed, maybe??). My N-ex lives near a dairy farm and he likes to take her over to see the cows being milked, which she enjoys. I asked her what she was doing. They were home. Daddy was pretending to be the cow and she was milking him. “I’m milking Dingdong!” she said. It was hard for me to stifle my giggle. Good thing it was over the phone. 🙂

I asked our daughter the other day if she remembered our dog “Teddy”. He’s been gone for over 2 years now. (I accidentally hit him with our car and he had to be put down. I was heartbroken, as it was one of our family pets.)

She said “No. I don’t remember him. Why did you run him over with your car?”

I said, “How’d you know about that?”

She said, “Daddy reminds me.”