“I am Oz! The great and powerful!”

When I was married to my husband, more particularly when things got increasingly rougher, I felt like Dorothea Gale in the land of Oz. Things didn’t make sense, as if I was living in a dream, or nightmare, rather. My daughter was “Toto”. I kept her close-by for her protection. I rarely left her alone with him. He rarely ever wanted me to.

Remember in The Wizard of Oz when the wizard is exposed by Toto, who pulls the curtain back, showing the wizard at the controls of his microphone/projector? I often felt like saying “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” when he’d throw one of his fits and expose his true nature. I didn’t of course. That wouldn’t have gone over well.

Narcissists love to be admired and feared. Would we fear the wizard without the booming voice, the giant projected head and the thunder? It reminds me that the narcissist is just a little man hiding behind a curtain projecting a different (in their eyes, “better” version) of themselves to others. They want to be seen in a light of authority, of esteem, of wisdom. They want to know all, or been seen as knowing  all. They are, of course, just the man behind the curtain, but they do anything they can to not let others see that, no matter who gets hurt in the process. I’m not entirely sure they even realize consciously that they are doing it. I remember my ex saying to our marriage counselor that he didn’t know how I could just apologize so easily. I’m not sure if he was admitting a fault or keeping up an “I’m trying” image.

He, of course, was the wicked witch of the story in my eyes; though, unlike the witch, whose intentions were never kept secret, his were insidious. He tried to look like a good guy while doing bad things. He justified his bad behavior. I always said he could justify anything: a $10,000 purchase for the house when we had very, very little money, for example. More relevantly, he justified his actions because I “made him have to act that way. If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.” (ie. If you had thought of making my favorite meal for dinner, I wouldn’t have had to yell at you and degrade you.”

On getting out:  As the wizard says, “You, my friend, (to the cowardly lion) are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you’re confusing courage with wisdom.” This is a good thing for many of us to consider, I think. I felt guilty for leaving, especially in the way that I did. I didn’t announce it on the way out the door. I couldn’t have gotten out

with our daughter if I had and I wasn’t going to leave her with an unstable man, whose wife had just left him. I had already been held hostage in my own home and had just regained a little bit of freedom. The cards were stacked in my favor that day and I’m SO glad I got out when I did. I can’t go into details of how I got out, as I wish to remain as anonymous as possible for my family’s privacy and safety.

And “if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.” The narcissist, or any socio- or psychopath, can make it difficult to hold on to your self-worth and life ambitions. It’s easy to feel beaten-down. Remember that they can’t MAKE you feel this way. Always hold on to yourself. It know what it’s like to walk on eggshells with someone, to give up your plans for theirs, to sacrifice yourself for their happiness so that you can then be happy. I know what it’s like to put yourself last. But remember, YOU are Oz, the great and powerful! You control your life.

December 24th. Christmas Eve. We have a crazy holiday schedule this year. Since this is our first Christmas under our parenting plan, we are still working out the bugs. He misunderstood our parenting plan. Then, rather than going back and reading his parenting plan, as I suggested, he tried to talk, or rather guilt, me into giving up my time with her because it was going to be hard on her to have to ride in the car for 30 minutes each way. Secretly, I agreed but it’s easier to go with the plan than to try to change anything with him, especially if I’m the one doing the asking. I texted him the following:

2:11pm me: I know you must be disappointed but I already told her the plans. I think we should stick to the plan as it is written in the parenting plan. You’ll get her tomorrow at 6. Do you plan to bring her back as per the parenting plan?

Phil responds: “Disappointed has nothing to do with it. Any responsible caring parent would know how ridiculous it would be to subject a 4-year-old child to a 2 hr. car ride for a 1 hr. visit. If I made a mistake on the holiday schedule i will give up my new year to make up for it.

3:05pm me: “She’s expecting to come back tonight at 6 and to open presents tomorrow morning. I’ll see you at 6 tonight at [the usual pick up place].”

3:18pm He repeated his previous email. “Disappointed has nothing to do with it. Any responsible caring parent would know how ridiculous it would be to subject a 4-year-old child to a 2 hr. car ride for a 1 hr. visit. If I made a mistake on the holiday schedule i will give up my new year to make up for it.”

me: “I got that text twice. Will you be there at 6?”

4:14pm Phil: “As a caring parent the drive would be ridiculous. you can have new years. Her expecting to return is not valid. She has told me as well as the neighbors 3 different houses that she wants to stay here. Would you like to speak w/her about this? My preference is to keep this civil, mature, and responsible to Avery’s needs.”

4:35pm me: “You will bring her tonight at 6 or I will call the cops as you will be in violation of our court order. Please let me know what you want to do.”

He immediately replied. “I will go into town to get my copy of paperwork to confirm. I want to do what is best for Avery”

“Ok. Me too.”

5:19 Phil: “I am wrong about the schedule. Although placing Avery in the care again shows extreme disregard for her well being we are on the way.”

me: “Ok :)”

Some commentary: First of all, why didn’t he check his parenting plan as soon as I told him there was a problem? Because he thought I would cave in and give him what he wanted. Why does he keep his parenting plan at the office? Or does he? Did he know as soon as he got home and checked it then the rest was just trying to manipulate me?

I have her for New Year’s this year. He had no New Year’s days to give me.

>His quote: ‘any responsible, caring parent” implied that I’m NOT those things. Forcing her to the ‘ridiculous’ drive of 30 minutes. Well, it was a 30 minute drive last week when I had to drive her to his place but today it’s an hour each way, making it 2 hours… for a 1 hour visit. 2+1=3. Where’s the other hour? Around here, it’s rural. We drive an 30-45 minutes to get anywhere. I drive her 45 minutes when I take her to work with me then turn around and drive home. I don’t feel that’s ridiculous. He just didn’t want to be the one doing the driving, but he chose that before he moved. That wasn’t my decision.

She supposedly told neighbors at 3 different houses that she wanted to stay with him. How does that come up in

conversation while caroling at a neighbor’s house? I’m thinking he’s grossly exaggerating or he’s coached her to say this. She has told me that he doesn’t want her to talk to me. How does she know this? “He gives a mean look when I talk to you.”

Same situation if I speak to Avery while she’s at her Daddy’s house. She’s going to say what she knows he wants to hear. “I want to stay with Daddy.” Of course, when she’s here, it’s a different story. She won’t let me out of her sight. Talking to her on the phone would likely convince him that she wants to stay with him but it won’t convince me. I know the fear and the need to bow down to him.

“Her expecting to return is not valid.” What does that mean? Are her feelings not valid? Not to him. To him, only HIS feelings are valid. He needs her to give him narcissistic supply.

As soon as I mentioned calling the cops and didn’t back down, he started to back down. Then, he finally checked the schedule and brought her, though he still had to get in a few more jabs. He implied that I was showing an “extreme disregard for her well being” by having him fulfill his part of the parenting plan and drive the 30 minutes to bring her back. (I drive 10 minutes.) He was responsible for changing it if he didn’t see that it was going to work. I’ve found that it’s generally not worth it to try and change anything with him. He always wants more than is practical. I tried to keep it short and not give him any more supply than necessary.

My boyfriend, an ex-cop came with me. I hadn’t planned on them meeting yet. We’ve been dating for 6 months but I think my ex seeing him will only make him jealous and may make things worse. I’ve made the poor guy sit at a gas station while I deliver Avery a few times, just so I don’t stir up any trouble. He’s been very agreeable, but it’s time. There was no choice. I wanted someone with me after today’s problem, and he’s bigger than my ex. It went smoothly. Not a word was spoken to each other. I’m sure, had the bf not been there, Phil would have had something to say. Just another day when “co-parenting” (and I use the term loosely) with a narcissist/psychopath.

Even today, having been out for almost 2 years, I still find it hard to believe that I was played. He seemed so sincere. Even looking back over the last 2 years, he’d talk to me and tell me something and I totally believed him. I’m not naive. I’m not an idiot. Of course, by then, I knew not to believe it, even when I DID believe it. I’d wait it out, put off the decision or answer he was seeking. Inevitable, when I DID believe him, he was lying, or plotting something against me (like a lawsuit, for example). Now I know that when he is being nice, he is up to something. He’s either trying to get me to do something for him or he’s doing something bad to me. Now I know and I can almost always stay one step ahead of him because I know his games and his moves. I know what he will try because I know how he thinks in regards to what he can get and I know how to keep him from getting it. The truth, and proof of it, is my weapon. He triumphs in the grey areas, but loves black and white. He is an extremist that walks a fine line of breaking the law, just inches away from being caught. He breaks the parenting plan agreement by telling my daughter lies about me. (Mommy doesn’t love you. Mommy says she loves you then feeds you candy. Mommy doesn’t love you because Grandma didn’t hug her as a child and she can’t love you. Daddy took Mommy and Grandma to the cops. The list goes on.) He knows the parenting plan is hard to enforce because it’s hard to prove he has said these things. I know he said them. Our daughter knows. He knows. I know because he told me some of the things he’s now telling her when we were still together. She was only 2 at the time we separated. I never told these things to anyone. She’d have no way of knowing if he hadn’t told her. When my mother told me what my daughter had said, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he had in fact said them to her. A 4-year-old wouldn’t be able to make this stuff up. I couldn’t make it up. I try to remain neutral to her. I don’t want her to see that I’m upset by what she tells me. I don’t want her to stop talking about it and keep it in, or worse, wonder if I love her and if what her Daddy says is true. What kind of sick moron TRIES to cause emotional harm to the child that they profess to love more than anything? I believe he loves her, at least, as much as he is able, but how can he not see what he is doing to her?

After a local child welfare agency had been called after our physical altercation, and we were informed about it, he stated that the only people that could have called the agency were me or my mother. He went on to say, “Don’t you think whoever did this should be made to never do this again?” I asked what he meant by that. He never would say for sure. He always liked to keep up appearances of being a good guy in his own eyes. He liked to say without saying. but judging from the look in his eyes, I thought he meant that they should be murdered or severely beat up. I said, “No. If someone thinks we are doing harm to our child, I’m glad there’s someone out there looking out for her. We didn’t do anything wrong, so what’s to worry about?” I, of course, was worried, not that they would take her away from me, but that he would find out that I was the one who inadvertently caused this call to be made. I hadn’t made the call. It never even crossed my mind that it was relevant. Our daughter was not physically harmed, though I never dreamed she would have to go through something like that. I had reported it to someone who did, and it was NOT my mother. I went to the police. They sent me to talk to someone. So, it was my report that had caused the call to be made. And I was scared as hell when I had to tell him that they wanted to speak with us. He took it okay at first. As it festered, his anger grew. When I asked him “Who is going to make them never do it again?” He replied that he “knew people.” He had bragged about his late father’s possible mob connections. I’m assuming this is what he  was talking about. He mentioned again that the only people that could have said anything were me or my mother. Is he going to try to have me killed? If he never “wins” the custody that he wants, is that my “fate”? Was this a scare tactic all along?

But, how can I look into his eyes and still see the good after all of this? When I look at him, I see a poor, pathetic man with a wounded soul. I see pain and hurt. Not the pain that he has caused me but the pain that he lives in. I stayed for a long time because I saw his pain and I wanted to help him; and for a while, I did… some. I still feel sorry for him. I still try to spare his feelings. Not for the pain that he will undoubtably  cause me when he feels it and tries to get even and hurt me back, but for the pain that I know he is feeling. No amount of hatred can overcome that feeling of guilt. Guilt that I didn’t stay, that I couldn’t take it, that I abandoned him in his pain, even though he was causing me much pain and taking my soul. I chose to be with him and I abandoned him. And I’m glad I did. I feel really guilty about that.

I added the second paragraph a while after writing this article when I was reminded of an incident that I thought was a good example of his walking the line of saying anything that could be used against him. Grey area, I call it. I was struck by the contrast between that and the third paragraph that was part of the original blog post. (The part about my perception of his pain). This is perhaps the best explanation of why I have labeled this blog “Torn”. For years I felt torn between these two emotions, even before the last stages which were increasingly more fearful. Looking back, I remember the feelings of that day after child welfare services was called, and the 3-day-weekend I spent as his prisoner. But just moments before, I had been remembering the feelings of pity for the man I once loved.

Co-parenting with a Narcissist or Psychopath

Co-parenting with a narcissist or psychopath is never easy! The challenges of dealing with a sociopathic narcissist are never-ending. I often wonder how a father (or mother) cannot see that he is harming his child by his comments. Yesterday, in front of a friend, my daughter (4 years old) said “Mommy, Daddy says he took you and Grandma somewhere? Did he?”

“What do you mean? Where?”

“Like, to the cops? He said he took you and Grandma to the cops. Did he?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Well, he SAID he did.”

“He didn’t.”

“He’s a liar! Tell him he’s a liar! He’s lying, isn’t he?!”

“Well, he’s not telling the truth if that’s what he told you.”

I explained that it would not help to talk to him about it. What I didn’t tell her was, if I tell him, it’s most likely going to fall back on her. He’s most likely going to say something like, “Raya, why did you tell Mommy that I said ______________ ?” and then brain-wash her until she says SHE was lying about saying it. I’ve seen this happen before when I confront him about something he has said. It’s sickening. She doesn’t see that coming. It’s been a long time, over a year, since I’ve been naive enough to confront him on anything he’s said.  Having known him for years, I can almost predict his reactions. I’m not going to put her through that, especially since it won’t help anything but will instead give him narcissistic supply. He uses our daughter for narcissistic supply regularly.

Her father will not communicate about what happens at his house. If she’s sick, he doesn’t tell me. He took her to the doctor before and didn’t tell me. I caught wind by accident and had to go in and fill out paperwork so that her records could be released to me so that I would know what he had taken her in for and what was wrong with her. This was of course, before the final divorce order so there was nothing stating that he had to inform me of trips to the doctor, etc. If he does it now, he’ll be in contempt of court, not that that means much, at least in this state.

Co-parenting with a Narcissist or Psychopath

Last week, my daughter told me that she had been vomiting at her Daddy’s house. I asked him about it by text. He did verify that she was sick. He said she said her belly hurt when he picked her up and vomited that night and two nights later. “That’s why I sent the juice and applesauce with her.” I wondered why he handed me juice and applesauce when I picked her up, but he said nothing about her being sick. I am so frustrated!! How can we co-parent if I have no idea that she has even been sick on the 5 days that he has her!? The court system fails people in my situation and it is so frustrating! (Please visit One Mom’s Battle for a letter that you can send to your representative! Every letter helps!) If Raya has ever been sick, according to Phil, she always has it when he picks her up. Apparently she can’t get sick at his house. He has a germ-free environment there. You can’t get sick if you isolate yourself and your family from society forever, and there are no germs at his church or library. I’m being sarcastic of course. And, yes, in my opinion, he uses church as a mask and a source of narcissistic supply. Anyone have a solution?