My Story, Recent Posts, The Marriage, Why Battered Women Stay

The Last Straw-Attempted Kidnapping of Our Daughter

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

The last straw in our relationship–the decision-making tie-breaker– (attempted kidnapping of our daughter) occurred one day in late winter. My grandmother had let slip to my now-ex, that my mother had said that he was lazy and wouldn’t work and that she now was starting to agree. My ex decided that I was to no longer speak to my mother until she apologized to him. A few days later, he was scrolling through my phone to
his sister’s new phone number” into my phone and found that I had called my mother. He was livid! He’d wanted me to tell her that I wouldn’t talk to her until she apologized. I didn’t. He asked, “Why not?! Why were you hiding it? Because you know it’s WRONG?!” He said he was going to drive to his office 45 minutes away to get some info off of his computer from where I’d left the first time. (Who knows what THAT could help!) When he saw that I didn’t seem to care, he said, “and I’m taking (our daughter) with me!” We moved to the bedroom. He ordered me to get her ready. True to form, I started getting her shoes on, then said, “No! I’m not helping you get ready to take her!” He put her shoes and socks on while saying, “I’m going to take her and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!” I said, “Well, I’ll do everything I can to stop you!” There was NO way I was letting him leave with her, as he had threatened to take her away before and said I’d never see her again. (Real good for your 2 year-old daughter, huh?!) He’d planned on running off to his family’s if CPS was going to take her away from HIM. (They never threatened to take her from ME, as I wasn’t the one being aggressive in front of her). At this point, he left the room and I got out my recorder. He didn’t know I had it out and was recording the altercation. Our daughter was still with me, of course. I wasn’t going to let her out of my sight. When the argument moved into the living room, I laid the recorder on the kitchen counter under some papers so it would be sure to record clearly and so I could have my hands free. He was getting stuff ready to go so I had a little time in between to arrange it. I tried to keep the conversation out of the kitchen, to avoid the looming proximity of knives. He grabbed her from my arms and tried to take her out the front door. I blocked the door. He opened it anyway. He pushed me out of the way. I yelled, “Help!” out the open door. No one was around. We lived in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors near. I grabbed the keys from the key-ring clock, sending it smashing to the ground. I didn’t dare grab for our daughter as I was afraid she’d get hurt and didn’t want her to be in the middle of a tug-of-war match. Then, my recorder malfunctioned (this could only happen to ME!) and started playing back our recorded conversation. We stood there for a moment trying to figure out what had happened. He was livid. He flashed me an evil look. I went for my cell phone which was laying on the counter. He knocked it off onto the floor, away from me. He said, “What are you gonna do, call for help?” I said, “no”. I knew that would be impossible. He said, “Good, because I’d be long gone before anyone got here.” I knew he was right. I reached for our daughter. He was holding her in his left arm. He had a crazy look in his eyes. With his right arm, he grabbed my by the neck, then instead of choking me, like I thought he was going to do, he just pushed me down onto my knees. Our daughter flew away from him from the push and she started crying. He didn’t drop her, but she was flung pretty severely and was pretty shaken up. I think he realized then what he’d done. I think his first instinct was to strangle me, but he couldn’t go through with it. He knew it was wrong and even HE couldn’t do it. (OR was it that he knew the consequences of killing me? or was he afraid he couldn’t physically DO it and I’d kill HIM?) He then said that I had the power to stop this, that if I called my mom and told her that I wouldn’t talk to her, he’d stay. Frankly, I didn’t want HIM to stay, but I wanted to keep him from taking our daughter. I wasn’t scared so much of him physically as I was that he’d take our daughter. He proceeded to tell me that this could all be stopped if I’d just call my mom and tell her that I was not going to talk to her until she apologized. I agreed to do it. He finally handed her to me. She had been crying and reaching for me. My mom knew the call was coming from our conversation a few days before, so she didn’t think anything of it. What she didn’t know was what had happened just prior to the call. I was hoping she’d hear our daughter in the background repeatedly crying to me, “Why did Daddy try to take me?” My mom didn’t hear her. After a brief, awkward, mostly silent conversation, one of us hung up the phone. My N-ex asked, “Do you WANT this to work?” At this point, I had NO desire to make it work, I just wanted to keep us safe, so I said, “There is nothing I want MORE than for this to be the relationship that I want!” That part was true, but I knew it would NEVER work if he didn’t make changes or even SEE that he had a problem. He backed off then. This took place in late morning. We had been having problems getting our gas to stay on. We had to keep going down and fixing it at the valve. Well I say, “we” because he wouldn’t let us out of his sight. I continued to be solely responsible for our daughter’s care but he watched me like a hawk, afraid I’d leave. And I WOULD have! So, three times, we had to walk about 1/4 mile downhill to check the gas. Me and our 2-year-old. Later in the day, during our daughter’s nap, as I was laying with her (as usual) the heating repairman came. I considered putting up a “Help!” sign in the window but I was afraid of how the repairman may respond. I was worried that he’d either tell my ex or that he’d not understand my sign. I hated to involve someone else but I was even more afraid that he would tell my ex somehow and it would make matters worse. So, I didn’t. He insisted that we go for a walk in the evening toward dusk. We walked out to the field. I was a little scared to get out where no one driving by could see but it wasn’t anymore isolated than in the trailer where we lived. We made hay houses out of the leftover hay with our daughter. It was a very tense walk.

He asked, “Where are we?”

I said, “I think we should separate for a while. I have some sorting out to do.”

He replied, “So you think it’s better to work it out without talking?”

I said, “I just need some space to figure out what to do.” Then he tried to get me to admit that everything that happened that day was my fault. He wanted me to say that it was all my fault that “it had to come to this”. I eventually admitted that it was my fault, even though I didn’t believe that it was. I was afraid of telling him what I REALLY felt. Then he asked, “So, will you write on a piece of paper that this relationship problem is all your fault?” Finally, I got mad and I said, “No! This relationship problem is NOT my fault and there is NO excuse for what you did today! It doesn’t matter what I say or do to you, there is NO excuse for that!” He said, “Ha! I caught you lying on tape! I recorded it on my phone!” I don’t know what he thought he was going to accomplish with this. He probably thought he could manipulate me with it. Later that night, he gave me a hug and said, “Sorry about today. That was bad.” That was the first and only apology I’d EVER gotten from him in seven years of marriage. He was back to the guy I had loved. He was calm and loving. That night, after I got our daughter to sleep, he ran his fingers through my hair till I fell asleep as usual while we were watching the tv show he knew I liked, as usual. But I’d seen that look. That scary, crazy, insane look. My gut said “Leave”. I knew if I didn’t leave now, I may never get another chance. I knew I had to go.

Fb-Button
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist, My Story, Recent Posts, The Divorce

How Many Times Can One Re-divorce Someone?

1 Comment
Fb-Button

My N-Ex (Narcissistic Ex) brought me the book that goes to my blender at drop off. He just handed it to me. I thanked him. He said nothing. All along, I thought, “uh oh!” He doesn’t do something this nice (yea, it’s really not THAT nice) without something else being up his sleeve. Seems he tries to distract me and catch me off guard or else he’s trying to convince himself he’s a nice person by doing these things. Maybe this eases some of his guilt, whatever. I don’t know, but it always seems that when he does something nice, the other shoe drops.


Fast forward a few days... a few weeks ago, I was on my way to a relaxing day trip. My mom called me on the phone. She said my dad had just had to sign for some certified mail from the courthouse in our neighboring state, the one in which my ex now lives. I asked her to open it and read it. It said that my ex was seeking to nullify our divorce in the state in which we were divorced and RE-divorce me in HIS current state and the state in which we lived prior to moving to the state in which we were divorced. The paperwork asked for full financial info, assets, debts, childcare expenses, personal expenses, etc. ALL OVER AGAIN! I called my attorney. He left me a message on my cell phone saying, "I'm in awe over here. You're right, this is bizarre! Call me back". When I talked to him, he stated he'd never had this happen before. He is a well-respected family-law lawyer with over 30 years of experience. He said he couldn't do anything because he isn't licensed in that state but he said he could refer me to someone in that state if needed. I THOUGHT that I had someone lined up, but turns out, he couldn't do it either. When I called my lawyer back, his receptionist said he'd gotten sick and had to go to the hospital. I found out a few days later that he'd had a stroke. Hopefully not a bad one.

Long story short, I FINALLY found one that would represent me on the case. $900 later, my appeal was filed. I'm currently still hopefully awaiting the letter in the mail from the court in the "new" state stating that the hearing date for Sept. 2 has been cancelled. He filed the appeal July 21. Has anyone else had this experience? Comment if you'd like below. I still think my N-ex is just trying to scare me, as in one of our last big arguments, he boasted that he'd had military training in the realm of psychological warfare and he could outlast me in that regard.  I guess we'll see about that!

Why is he doing it? I think that he thinks I still have that property that I returned to my family to repay our

loan to them. He sees that that property has since been sold and thinks I have money now. Our 4-year-old daughter has said numerous times, "Daddy says you have enough money to buy a house". I don't, but he's assuming. He should KNOW that I have nothing.

I'll keep you posted!

Fb-Button
Information on Narcissism

Red Flags in my Marriage

3 Comments
Fb-Button

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, http://www.thehotline.org/2012/09/red-flags-of-abuse/, abuse can take many forms, many of which are listed below:

  • Embarrassing or putting you down
  • Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
  • Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
  • Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families
  • Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
  • Preventing you from making your own decisions
  • Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
  • Preventing you from working or attending school
  • Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening
  • Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
  • Intimidating you  with guns, knives or other weapons
  • Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you
  • Attempting to stop you from pressing charges
  • Threatening to commit suicide because of something you’ve done
  • Threatening to hurt or kill you
  • Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
  • Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol
  • Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready

 

He would embarrass me in front of others: He did this early on and covered it well. So much so


that it didn’t really set off any red flags for me. I didn’t like it but he pulled it off. “She’s going to be mad at me for saying this but…” then he’d say whatever it was that I didn’t want him to tell others.

He wouldn’t let me leave:  There was a tornado warning for our area. We lived in a trailer on top of a big open hill. We had no shelter. I wanted to go to my parents’ house 15 minutes away. They have a basement. I told him our daughter and I were seeking shelter there. He came home just as I was walking out the door to leave. He insisted that I stay and wait for him because he didn’t want to take two cars over there. The tornado warning was in effect for the time that we should have been leaving. I wanted to be to a safe place BEFORE the tornado hit and not in a car. Call me crazy (which he did). He intentionally took his time packing, all the while ranting about how stupid it would be to take two cars over there. Why did he need to pack? We were only staying overnight at the most. He didn’t need to pack much. It was very deliberate. It probably took him twenty minutes to pack and several times I said, if you’re not ready in 2 minutes I’m just going to go ahead. He kept finding ways to stall. “I’m almost ready!” then he’d intentionally pack more, walking very slowly. So slowly it was very obvious what he was doing. I felt so trapped and angry but I was afraid to go. He seemed very unstable. I was afraid of what he would do to me. He was putting our daughter’s life in jeopardy because he wanted to control the situation. Yes, chances are, the tornado wouldn’t have hit us, but who wants to take that chance? I’m so angry at him for things like that that prove that he never did love me. No wonder I felt so sick all the time. I felt so torn, and so sad over this loser that didn’t give a shit about me or his own daughter. I found out later that he had specifically told the secretary to NOT tell me that there was a tornado warning for our area because I would “over-react”.

Looking at you in ways that scare you: There were several times that he scared me by the way he looked at me. The above story about the tornado, for instance. I remember having a conversation with him once where I told him that I don’t know how he can love me and look at me like I’m a complete and utter moron. What I didn’t tell him was that I was terrified of him. I’m not sure why I never told him. I think I was scared to. I didn’t want him to know I was scared of him. I was scared for him to know that, as any who have been in abusive situations know.

Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do: I wasn’t allowed to get my hair cut at a friend’s hair studio because this person told him that he prefers that people make appointments. N-ex always wanted to just pop in and be given special treatment. He was offended by this, therefore he didn’t want me supporting this friend’s business anymore or associating with someone who didn’t like him. My mom got me a gift certificate for the friend’s business for Christmas. I wasn’t allowed to use it but had to go to a different salon instead.

Keeping you from seeing your friends/families: N-ex didn’t want me seeing my family, especially my mother, because he knew she didn’t like him and he thought she would try to turn me against him. She was supportive of me being strong and having a healthy relationship and when she saw that it wasn’t, she tried to help me see that and get out. He must’ve thought I wouldn’t see it on my own, or likely, he would downplay the abuse. Of course, in his eyes, he did no wrong, so my family was just “making up” these stories in his mind. He was angry at me because I had “made them not like him” by telling them arguments we’d had, etc. In reality, I told them very little, or else I’d be accused of “spreading negativity about the marriage (him)”. They weren’t stupid. They could see it. My brothers each walked in on a few arguments. His family could even see it. He tried to keep me from seeing them too, but he has lost his power to do so.

Preventing you from making your own decisions: I wanted to open a second business near home. It was my own business. He wouldn’t let me. He said that he didn’t think it would go well, me in an office with my family. He TOLD me when our daughter was 3 weeks old that I needed to go back to work. “This is when most moms go back to work.” Of course, he’s the expert. Never mind that I had our daughter at home, no rest in the hospital, and no stitches for my tears. Talk about excruciating! He decided we weren’t going to visit family on Christmas when our daughter had slight sniffles. He decided to turn the care around several times on the way out to my family’s house, ruining many Easters and family reunions.

He wouldn’t let me walk down the stairs by myself with the baby. They were narrow stairs. I did appreciate the “care”, but one day, we were arguing about something (which “caused him” to throw away my bottles of shampoo and conditioner that my mom had bought for me) and I just forgot and walked down the stairs with the baby without him walking in front of me. I’d done it hundreds of times before when he was at work and I was home with the baby. He then proceeded to say that I was “acting like a blooming idiot.” He was always so kind as to not CALL me a blooming idiot. See, I told you he could be nice at times. 😉

Threatening to take away your children: He threatened to take our daughter away when we had the big blowup argument that fateful day. He threatened to leave first. When he got no reaction, he said, “And I’m taking (our daughter) with me!” He didn’t get out of there with her that day because I caved and apologized, again. But there were scary looks that would make Hannibal Lecter cringe. After I had to make the call to my mom to “rectify the situation”, telling her that I would never speak to her again, he told me that if I left him that he would fight for and get full custody because I couldn’t support her because I had a failed ___ business. (I DID have a poorly paying business, but his was even worse than mine!) Also, as a side note: my business would have been a bit more successful if he would quit telling people that I was a bad _____ and that I sucked. (Of course, he was much better at it than I was, even though he didn’t finish school (or even come close to it) like I had.)


Blaming you for the abuse: He wouldn’t have had to shove me that day if I hadn’t called my mom. It was my fault that he had to do that. He wouldn’t be so mad if I hadn’t acted so insensitively. He wouldn’t be livid if I hadn’t worn headphones while cleaning the house. He wouldn’t be ridiculously losing his cool if I hadn’t stopped to pee before leaving the house, etc., etc., etc.

Shoving, choking: The day of the big blowup, he grabbed my neck like he was going to choke me. He

had those crazy eyes then. All I could see was rage. Instead he just shoved me down onto my knees. I think he would have done more if he wasn’t holding our two year old daughter who was flung in his arms. She then started crying and he finally gave her back to me. She was scared of him for a while. She cried, “Why’d Daddy try to take me?” for weeks after that. I prayed my mom would hear her on the other end of the line when I had to make my call. She didn’t. No one could help me. No one knew.

Stop you from pressing charges: After that day (Friday) he left for work Monday. I didn’t have to be in until 11:00am. I planned to stop by the police station to make a report. Little did I know I couldn’t. I didn’t have any bruises. He called me 6 times on the way to work. He seemed nervous. He said he had a feeling I was going to try to do something. He was right. I did try to do something. It wasn’t what I had planned. But I stopped by, made a report to someone else, and went to work.

During the day of the blowup, when I went for my phone to call for help when he was trying to run off with our daughter, he knocked the phone from my hand. He wouldn’t let me call anyone. He said he’d be long gone with her before anyone could get there.

Threatening to kill/hurt you:

After the day I talked to the lady that the policeman sent me to, apparently a child services report was made. A month later, I got the call that someone from child services wanted to speak to me. I was scared. Not of the child services, but of my husband. I dreaded telling him. He was ok at first, but the more he thought about it, the madder he got. He assumed that I told them but he didn’t really come right out and say it. Instead, he made threats that whoever told on him should be “made to never do it again.” I said, “like, what do you mean?” He just kept saying the same thing, “whoever did this should be punished and made to never do it again.” I didn’t realize at the time that he really thought it was my mom and me who had made the report. He DID say that the only person mad at him was my mom and maybe me, but I didn’t think he though she did it. Apparently he did, because he tried to sue us during the divorce for filing a “false” report with child services. When I realized that that threat to “make them never do it again” really was intended for me and my mom, I got chills down my spine. This man is even more evil then I knew. How could I live with someone like this for so long and what else could have happened? I feel very lucky to be out.

Changing faces: I added this one, just thought of it. When I left the first time, he was really angry, then he’d cry. I wouldn’t talk to him. He’d left messages. I didn’t answer them. My Dad called him and said I needed some time and space but he could come and see our daughter. After I’d been gone about a week, he came up to my room where I was staying. He had been playing with our daughter and she was crying for me. I came down to get her and he followed me upstairs. He stayed up there for a while. He was threatening and angry, then suddenly, he saw a glimmer of hope in my sad eyes. Suddenly he turned on the charm. Before you know it, he’s hugging me and crying, promising to change. He says we just need a vacation, time for ourselves to work this all out. He’ll change. Yea, he’ll change alright. He’ll change to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Similarly, on the day I left for good, the day of the meeting with child services, he vascillated from angry to hurt to “we can work this out”. Seemed he didn’t want to be too nice if he didn’t have to be but if I was leaving, then he was going to be angry! It was like, he had to have the upper hand but he’d be nice if he HAD to to manipulate me back in.

Add your own. There are more!

Fb-Button
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

The Haircut

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

It had always been an issue of ours. I was the one who always fixed her hair for as long as she had enough to fix


until she was two and a half, when we left him. Fixed it, washed it, changed the diapers, took her everywhere I went, etc. I didn’t even go out to the grocery store without her. Naturally, as the mother, I thought it was my choice on how I fixed her hair, as I’m the only one who DID the job. I politely declined his suggestion that she should have bangs. He didn’t like that I didn’t obey him. When they were within half an inch of the rest of her ponytail, and after we were separated, he cut her bangs himself- thick and WAY back her head. I found out when I picked her up from his visitation. I was livid because I felt that he was doing it to get back at me, but as kindly as I could muster, I said, “You should have talked to me about this first.” He responded, “You shouldn’t have lied!” I asked, “What did I lie about?” He said, “You’ll find out!” I still to this day don’t know what I lied about but I THINK he thinks I called the child protection agency on him. I didn’t.

Anyway, he has continued to chop her bangs off as he wishes, and it’s almost always a butcher job.  I think he goes home and “evens them out”, makes them shorter, and chops off the baby hairs on the sides so she has sideburns.  I have cut them before to save him from doing it but he always seems to do it (and do it shorter) when he is mad about something. For instance, if I ask him to NOT cut them for a dance recital when they are to be pulled back, he chops them off to a mere inch in length at the shortest part. I achieved great satisfaction however when I successfully managed to pull those babies back and clip them so they wouldn’t go anywhere. I have perfected the art of hiding those bangs so I don’t have to be reminded. Our daughter’s hair is long and smooth and beautiful. It goes halfway down her back. I’ve trimmed it several times and he has too.

Recently, after the last two visits, she has come home saying, “Daddy said he was going to cut off my ponytail.” She said he held scissors up to her ponytail. She said “and he wasn’t joking! He wasn’t smiling or anything.” She didn’t want him to do it but she said she didn’t say anything to him. She’s 4 and is very concerned that Daddy will be mad if she stands up to him.

How a haircut can be used as emotional abuse:
Background: In short, my sister cut off my pigtail when I was 3 or 4. She was 5. My mom had to have the rest of my hair cut off to match, so I had a pixie. I HATED it. I thought I looked like a little boy. That has always bothered me. I wished my mom would have left it crooked or something. My ex knows how much that bothered me as a child.


Fast forward to today: Our daughter is 4. He chopped off her bangs as a punishment to me because he thought I lied. He told me that himself. (I still don’t know what I “lied” about.) The last 2 times she has come back from his house, she has expressed concern that Daddy wants to cut off her ponytail. She has long beautiful hair. She said he actually held the scissors up to her ponytail as if he was going to cut it off. She was visibly upset about this. She told me she doesn’t want her ponytail cut off.

Today she called asking if she could get her hair cut. She NEVER asks permission to do anything at Daddy’s so I was suspicious. I asked her how she wants it cut. She said she wants her ponytail cut off. She says it will be cooler. I said, you told me that you DON’T want your ponytail cut off. She says she changed her mind. This child NEVER complains about being hot. What has he said to her to get this done? And why use the phrase “ponytail cut off” if this is not a direct form of emotional abuse? Wouldn’t a normal person who wants to get their child’s hair cut just say, “I want to get your hair cut?” Why would you say, “I want to get your ponytail cut off”? Funny how that’s the phrase I used when describing how my pigtail got cut off. This is a form of mental abuse if I ever saw it. Not sure if I’m describing it well enough for the rest of you to see it. I know it’s there! A judge would never see what I’m saying without knowing the background. An outsider would never see it this way. To them, it looks like a Daddy that’s trying to keep his daughter cool. Narcissists will take any weakness you have and use it against you.

Today, when she called, she asked if she could get her hair cut. This is very unusual because he never asks permission for anything and wouldn’t usually allow her to. I’d guess he has put her up to asking so he can say that she WANTS her hair cut. To me, she’s obviously just appeasing Daddy. She can sense his instability and at her young perceptive age, knows that if Daddy’s not happy, life can be rough. Will she have hair when she comes back? I don’t know, but I’ll be holding my breath until I find out!

 

Fb-Button
My Story, The Marriage

#5- The Flea Market

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

We enjoyed going to a very large flea market that summer. They had everything from new socks to used junk to rabbits, chickens, etc. It was fun to see what they had. One day, we were preparing to go. We hadn’t set a time to go. We were just sitting around watching TV. It was a Saturday. He asked, “Are you ready to go?” and I said “Yes” and he walked out the door. Then I realized I had better use the bathroom before we left. The restrooms there were not very clean and I’d rather not have to use them. I was in the bathroom a minute or two, if that, then came straight out to him storming back in the door. “I thought you said you were ready!”

I said, “I just had to use the bathroom first”.

“Well, you SAID you were read!” He was mad. We didn’t go to the flea market and he pouted for days, maybe weeks. I was thrown off. I tried to apologize. I just wanted the fun man back that I had before. Where did he go? and why? It seemed such a minor infraction. As with many of our arguments, I was left wondering “what just happened?” I apologized until I was blue-in-the-face. Eventually, several days later, his anger started to slowly wear off, but I never got the same man back that I “had” to begin with. His mask had slipped. Perhaps he was just getting more comfortable with me and was letting his guard down, I don’t know.

Fb-Button
My Story, The Marriage

#4-The Proposal Night-Coming Home

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

I said yes. Though I had some concerns, I was happy it was over with. I knew he wanted to be with me, he just had some mood problems. He was very insecure. I thought, I still have time to back out if it doesn’t work out. I thought I could help him feel better about himself and he’d calm down. I thought I could help him. I think I DID make a difference in his life. I think I did help. However, I couldn’t help enough and eventually, I wore down.

But I had said yes, and I was happy. Unsettled but happy. We had a glass of champagne with dinner to celebrate. Other than that, he got mad at me, something about the fake fireplace. I’m not sure what I did “wrong” there. Our engagement night was full of tension.

We came home from our trip to find our neighbor and friend Robbie walking down the road. Phil suddenly seemed happy about the engagement. That was the first time he seemed happy about it. His excitement waned quickly, I’m guessing, as soon as we drove away from Phil. At the time, I didn’t piece it together, that his excitement could be an act. It was a pattern that would repeat over the years. Why would he ask me if he didn’t want to marry me? (Also see “The Honeymoon”)

Fb-Button
My Story, The Marriage

#3- The Proposal

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

We took a trip in August. We went a few hours away to a beautiful lake in the mountains. It was beautiful. We stayed at a German bed and breakfast and went for a boat-ride tour of the lake. I was pretty sure he was going to propose at some point on the trip but he was being so grouchy that I started to think that I was wrong. Because of his allergies, we couldn’t take the hike to the waterfall that he had planned. This seemed to make him angry. Something did anyway. I laid low and tried not to provoke him. I tried to make him feel better. He was quiet and seemed bothered. If he was going to propose, it didn’t seem like it. He didn’t seem happy with me, let alone anything else. He seemed frustrated.

We found a brochure on a wolf sanctuary that we wanted to go see but we couldn’t find it. We didn’t have very good directions and no one was answering the phone. On the way back from this little excursion, he was still grouchy. We stopped at a flower shop and he was in there for quite a long time. He wanted me to stay in the car. Finally, he came out with my favorite flowers. He didn’t hand them to me happily. He just gave them to me. I think there was something nice written on the card. It was a sweet gesture but seemed to have no feeling, almost as if it was a script he had to get through. I’m still puzzled by it.

Then we pulled off alongside the road at a shallow creek that ran close to the road. We sat there for a few minutes on a large rock in the creek. He proposed. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. Something like “I love you and I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?” He didn’t seem too into it. He showed no emotion. I didn’t now what to say. I don’t know why I said yes. I guess I felt sorry for  him. I justified his mood as being disappointed he couldn’t pull off his proposal as planned and his fear of an allergic reaction. I remember once thinking, “if I don’t love this man, who will?” I, to this day, have a lot of pity toward this man. It’s tragic. It’s hard to choose myself over him. He seems so pitiful, like a wounded animal that you must save, even though you know that it is likely to strike you if you get close. Still, you can’t stand to see it suffer and you try to help it and alleviate it’s pain… So, I said yes.

Fb-Button
My Story, The Marriage

#2-School to The Proposal

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

So, eventually, Jason and I broke up. He moved away to a different school. I lost contact with Phil because he took some time off of school. I started dating another guy, Pete, who was very nice. We got along really well. We dated for three years in school and after school, I moved to where he was from. His brother had a business set up that he was expected to join. We had talked a lot about living somewhere in between where our parents lived. They were 8 hours drive apart. however, though we searched for a town that we liked to live in forever, we never found anything and it seemed his interest in compromising was waning. He started to value being near his family more, and so did I. We finally decided that it wasn’t going to work out. I was heartbroken. I had seen Phil once before we left for the town Pete lived in, and I sensed that he suddenly had “feelings” for me. (Looking back and from what Phil later said, his “feelings” started when he saw how some other guys at the restaurant we were at looked at me.) But, I was still with Pete, and Phil and I were just friends. I didn’t like how he was now looking at me like he was interested in me as more than a friend. I didn’t contact him until a year later, just after Pete and I broke up. I thought Phil would help me in my breakup with Pete. However, Phil had other ideas. He immediately assumed that I was interested in dating him. I had thought about it, but hadn’t made up my mind yet if I was interested. I had just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn’t really ready yet to date. I really just wanted a friend to talk to, and we had been friends before. However, when he said how glad he was that I had finally called, and that his heart skipped a beat when he read my letter (giving him my new contact info), I knew he was interested and he assumed I was too. While I tried to tell him that I wanted to take it slow (I wasn’t even sure I wanted to date him yet), he texted constantly and we talked on the phone for hours, often all night. While it was kind of nice having a distraction from Pete and having someone to talk to, I couldn’t help but feel just slightly violated by the lengthy calls. I felt as if he didn’t respect my time or the fact that I had to get up in the morning. We had very good conversations. There was never an awkward pause. It seemed the conversation just flowed. We started talking on the phone in January. By March, I was taking a beach trip with him. I drove 7 hours to where he lived and we drove the next 4 hours together the next day. On that trip to the beach, there was one occasion when I thought, “this is going to be a LONG trip” and “I wish I hadn’t come, but I’m stuck”.  I don’t even remember what the argument was about but I got the distinct impression that whatever my opinion was, it wasn’t okay that I had it because it wasn’t the same as his. However, we recovered quickly and we had a great time at the beach. We cuddled on the couch for hours watching movies. Then, when it was time to go home, I was sad to go. He was sad for me to go too, but we visited each other every other weekend, taking turns driving the 7 hours. By June, I decided to move down there. I always liked the area where I had gone to school for over 3 years. The weather was nice and I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t want to stay where I was and Phil said that we could move to wherever I wanted to after he finished school. It only seemed logical to go back down there. I was excited. It was great! He’d just gotten out of the military and I was starting a new business out of our house, so we ended up having a lot of time fixing up the house, cuddling watching seasons of my favorite sitcom, and enjoying each others company. He was confident that I was the love of his life, which was refreshing after Pete didn’t seem so sure. Phil moved fast and never wavered in his feeling for me. It felt good. Stable. By August, we were engaged, but by then, there were signs of trouble.

Fb-Button
Information on Narcissism

May 15, 2014

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

I read a post today from One Mom’s Battle that really reminded me of my relationship with my N-ex. All N’s must be the same. 😉 To read the article, see below:

(http://onemomsbattle.com/2014/04/25/project-managing-our-marriage-and-the-first-encounter-with-the-police/)

Like the author, after our hostage-situation squabble, (that’s a whole other blog post) I decided that I needed to see a counselor. I was majorly stressed out and exhausted from sleeping with one eye open. I was never sure he wasn’t going to try to run off with our daughter. I slept with one hand on her at all times. After I scheduled an appointment, the N-ex wanted to schedule one with the same counselor. Fortunately, she said she didn’t feel comfortable seeing both of us. He had no choice but to go elsewhere.

After that, he started carpooling to work with me and he was home much more. Usually, even though the drive was 50 minutes each way, he’d drive separately because my daughter and I would come along a little later and leave earlier than he would. He could waste time like no other and he’d be there hours longer than he worked, just chatting with people. His call frequency increased when we were not together. He always seemed suspicious. Of what, I don’t know. He threatened to take our daughter permanently two or three times and sternly mentioned that he would get full custody (and I would never see her again) because he was the one with a job and would get primary custody. He said I had a failed business and couldn’t support her. I DIDN’T have a failed business and I made just as much as he did. Both of us owned our own businesses and both of us made very little. Actually, I made more. And, like the author, I was more afraid of him after that day than I had ever been. He really started to watch what I did, where I went, etc. (Not that I ever went anywhere but work and home). Also, like the author, I went to the police and they couldn’t help. The courts couldn’t (wouldn’t) help.

I’ll post my hostage situation weekend soon.

Fb-Button
Information on Narcissism

Kitty-in-Waiting-Mental Abuse

Leave a comment
Fb-Button

Mental abuse starts early. Recently, our daughter conveyed to me something that was bothering her. It’s a long story. Let me start at the beginning.

Her Daddy told her that she could get a kitten at his house. She was excited. Weeks passed. No kitten. Kittens are easy to come by around here. He once sent her a picture of a kitten. She liked it but it was a boy and she wanted a girl. They decided to wait for a girl kitten. Still no kitten. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured he was using the excitement of getting a kitten to get her to want to come to his house and was dragging it out. That’s harmless, I guess, to a degree, if you do in fact keep your promise and follow through with a kitten in a reasonable amount of time. I’ll admit, I’ve used the kitten to get her excited about going to Daddy’s so it wasn’t so hard on her. However, the problem started a few days ago.

One day, during this kitten-in-waiting time period, while at my house on the phone with her Daddy, our daughter was saying, “I love YOU more than I love YOU” pointing first to me, then to him. She thought he wouldn’t know what she was saying since he couldn’t see her. I of course, tried to stop her. I knew he would be suspicious enough to ask her what she was saying when she got back to his house. Since his goal in life is to get our daughter to love him more than me and choose to be with him, I knew he would be all over her when she got back, but I never heard anything about it until a few nights ago.

Our daughter was upset. I asked why. When she finally calmed down enough to tell me, she said that she was crying because Daddy had erased her pictures of the boy kitten that she had enjoyed looking at on his phone. I asked her why he had done that. She said, “Because I lied.”

I asked her what she had lied about. She said, “Because I said I loved you more than I loved Daddy.” Now, I’m not in to making a child CHOOSE a parent to love. I could never pick one of my parents to love more. That’s ridiculous, so, I wouldn’t ask her to choose. Nevertheless, I asked her if this WAS a lie. “No.” was her reply. Turns out, what he was upset about was the fact that she was saying that she loved ME more, not HIM. She wasn’t lying. He had convinced her that she was lying and the she deserved to be punished. Her punishment was deleting the pictures of the kitten from him phone. She was so upset. I asked her if she cried when he did it. She said, “No, but my throat was hurting.” (She had a lump in her throat). I don’t know if he just deleted the pictures of the kitten on the phone or if the whole prospect of getting a kitten is gone now, but the fact that he had convinced her that she had lied when, (sounds to me like) she DIDN’T and that’s what he didn’t like. He didn’t want to hear the truth. He wanted to hear that she loved HIM more and he found a way to punish her for not loving him the most, as stupid as that is, and making it look like it was because of a VALID reason, like her lying.

She tells Grandma that she loves my boyfriend more than she loves Daddy because Daddy is mean to Mommy. I’m sure she loves her Daddy, but I found this to be an interesting observation on her part. I don’t tell her that he was mean to me. I told her that we didn’t get along when she asks about it. She has drawn her own conclusions. I’m proud of her for seeing through it. I hate that she HAS to.

Such is life with a narcissist!

Fb-Button